Dear Prince William…or shall I call you future King:
It has come to my attention that there is a position open in your kingdom. While I was saddened to see the press coverage over the weekend that you dumped your pretty girlfriend, I must admit, I know someone else who would make a fabulous queen.
That is right. I got to thinking that I should apply to be your future queen. I am quite sure I meet all the right criterion. Allow me to begin.
1. I am very pretty and would make for a luminous princess and elegant queen.
2. I have a proven track record of fertility and could provide future princesses and princes to the kingdom.
3. I am very well spoken, media trained, and can certainly handle the media deluge on a daily basis with dignity and composure. Moi? I never lose my cool. C’est vrai.
4. I have a great sense of style and with the correct budget (read: limitless), I could certainly wear a fabulous outfit for every occasion and I love accessories, so I have no trouble wearing hats, even if it’s kind of 1850ish.
5. I have a great fake posh British accent and am willing to be addressed “M’Lady.”
6. I will never write a tell-all book when you divorce me, nor will I spread lies and rumors about the Queen amongst the hungry British press. I also will never speak of Prince Harry’s bad habits and obvious drinking problem.
7. I like tea and I love clotted cream on my crumpets, so I could really get used to that tradition as part of each afternoon.
8. I have an Irish Passport, so I could help mend fences from the age old struggle between England and Ireland. Perhaps my daughter could be princess of Ireland? She has red hair. Surely that’s enough.
9. I like attention and love to ski and vacation, so I promise to smile and show my pearly whites for every vacation photo-op, even if drab Prince Charles is there.
10. I can be very bossy and will happily let the people know that I am their queen, and have no problems with threatening to off heads or let them eat cake.
Have your people call my people if you’d like to discuss further. I am most definitely the most qualified candidate.