Just plain fear

Loyal KT fans might recall that I’ve mentioned two of my best friends are due to have their babies in the coming weeks. Those of you with children are all-too familiar with the anticipation and excitement you feel upon seeing your closest friends become mommies and learning how to take care of their babies. Not to mention – watching them experience this rite of passage and see how they adjust and change. It’s all very exciting and well, for me, I’m excited to connect with these two women about motherhood. I enjoy and need having friends who are single, or who are married without children, because I go to them for different reasons and talk to them about different things – but the reality is – you can connect with your friends who have children on a different level about different things. And so, I’m just saying, I’m very excited to connect with these two dear KT besties, on motherhood.

But all of this got me to thinking.

I often think back to the beginning. To those first few weeks. Even those first few hours. And I think it’s amazing, the things that strike you, that shock you and that stick with you over time. There are a few things about the first few weeks of motherhood that I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget – and one of them, dear readers, is fear.

Indeed. Complete terror, quite frankly.

You come to KT because I call it like it is. I’ve never been one to sugar coat or blow sunshine up anyone’s ass. I don’t have time for that. And really, what good does it do anyone.

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that I was not one of those women for whom the skys parted and rays of sunlight came streaming into the delivery room while the angels sang from above as I met my child for the first time and felt undying love. Hell no.

If memory serves, I was more bloated than imaginable, exhausted, sweaty, red faced, and crying my eyes out.

Lovely picture of motherhood, right?

I was a weepy basket-case in the beginning. I never knew it was possible for one human to cry so much, particularly me, the very person who hates crying.

But again – that’s not the point. Today, we are talking about fear.

When we returned home from the hospital, it became very apparent to me, very quickly, that I was TERRIFIED to be left alone with the baby.

What if she started crying inconsolably?

What if she needed something and well, I had no idea what it was or what to do next?
What if I fell asleep and didn’t know she needed me?

What if I didn’t know how to make her stop crying?

Again. When were the real parents of this kid going to come home?

I was terrified. I was really really afraid that if left alone, I wouldn’t be able to keep this little, sweet, unsuspecting human being alive. Who was I to be a mother? I knew nothing.

The fear was palatable, really. And my husband knew it. And let’s be honest, my mom was onto me.

I was left alone with her a bit less than one week after arriving home from the hospital. My mom was at work. My husband had to go back to work. It was just going to be me and sweet little baby all alone – for the first time.

I will never forget it.

He said to me that morning, “are you going to be ok?”

And was very sweet and very concerned.

I lied through my teeth.

I assured him that all would be fine.

And as soon as he shut the door and left, you better believe I started crying again.

Now kittens. All stories must have a good ending, right?

Well, this one does.

It got better for me. I slowly started to learn how to take care of her myself, I learned how to be less afraid by building up my confidence and well, clearly I survived because I’m here to tell you the tale today.

But as I emailed with one of my expectant momma friends this morning and as she discussed some of her concerns with me, this wave of fear and terror just came rushing back to me as if it were yesterday.

I have no idea if this is normal and every new mommy goes through this or if I was just one big scared baby, responsible for a real live baby.

But – you get full disclosure here at Kitty Time.

So for any new mom’s out there who are scared, at least you know you aren’t alone – and trust me, it gets better.

And also – babies really are virtually indestructible.

One Response to Just plain fear
  1. Emma
    May 4, 2007 | 9:32 pm

    So true KT, so true – every word of it!

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