Crime Scene….Toddler Style

It was the perfect crime scene. An eerie silence descended upon the house…..we knew something was amiss.

My husband was the first to witness it and the image is burned into his memory for all of time.

The first clue was the random piece of clothing on the floor in the hallway…..then our eyes moved up to see the bedroom door was shut. What could possibly be waiting for us behind the door..in the quiet bedroom?

Were we brave enough to open the door and see what awaited us? When toddlers are quiet and awake….it can’t ever be good….

In went DH. He immediately noticed a pair of under ware strewn on the ground.

In another spot, the diaper.

In yet another, lots of poop……with a trail leading to the big girl bed. On the bed was the perp. Her legs covered in poop…her bedding and all 5,000 stuffed animals she insists upon keeping at the foot of her bed….her innocent victims…if only they knew what was caked all over their soft fur, they would wipe those goofy grins off their faces as fast as I can shout “Are you f’ing serious??”

You got it…..the toddler poop scene. Not a sight for the faint of heart and certainly a shitload of work (like that pun?), which anyone  who has endured potty training is likely familiar with.

DD was potty trained around the time she turned 2 except with pooping. She has always been private about it and would basically poop at the end of her nap. But things began to escalate after she turned 3. She just didn’t like the feeling of it in her nap time diaper but still didn’t want to do it in front of us…so what would she do? She would create a bona fide poop crime scene for us all over her room…she would immediately remove the soiled diaper and think she was helping us by dumping its contents all over the floor….not realizing that she was transferring all the crap all over her legs and anything she came in contact with along the way. Don’t think this didn’t also include getting all over her hands….and her wall….not just her bedding and her stuffed animals…..

Oh yes…..it was NASTY.

And so you’ve asked about the workload with two and I just keep thinking to myself, babies are nothing on toddlers…the baby isn’t the work…it’s the 3 year old. Sure, I don’t sleep a lot but hell, my 3 year old has trouble sleeping until 6am, so sleep hasn’t been a big thing in our house for a long time. But cleaning up the toddler shit crime scene, for example, is way more work and tedious than dealing with a newborn. So some have pleaded with me not to frighten them too much with tales of handling two…but guess what kittens, it’s too late, because if you don’t have a 3 year old right now..you will soon enough….and then you’ll realize that newborns are freaking easy!

Some good news for you….our toddler crime scenes are fortunately now a thing from the past, and while she does still have the occasional pooping accident at school (what is it about pooping yourself in front of your peers that is so appealing to three-year-olds?), she does poop on the potty now. It seems she had to do it in her own time, in her own way, even if that included tossing her pants in the hallway and shutting her door, as the signal for us that we were about to enter a room filled with shit. Literally.

And a note to you ladies out there….being 38 weeks pregnant or home recovering from childbirth is a great reason to avoid having to clean up the crime scene mess and leave it for your husband to do…I highly recommend that.

4 Responses to Crime Scene….Toddler Style
  1. Emma
    February 1, 2009 | 2:09 pm

    EWWWWWW. I am so not looking forward to that.

  2. J9
    February 2, 2009 | 6:21 pm

    OH MY. I can’t wait until you are back so I can get a good laughing lunch!

  3. punditdad
    February 2, 2009 | 10:39 pm

    Jesus, what school of pooping did you guys train at? The GG Allin School of Feces smearing? Hah, when are you going to confront the 8 kids who were born to the lady with 6 kids KT? Do you have to claws enough to do it?

  4. MaryKay
    April 7, 2009 | 12:32 am

    punditdad: What cute little girl.

    My 4.5 year old as ode this a few times after being an angel for almost a year and a half in the potty arena. Well. She has done it for spite. At Obama’s state of the union address. She, who usually dictates the TV programming in our family was not getting her way this time so she thought she would see to it that NO ONE got to watch what they wanted. She plastered the bedroom floor and hallway. She did not try to hide it. when she was done, she laughed, came out of the living room and said ‘HA HA! I need a shitty bath.” So while dad bathed her I scrubbed/sanitized three times. I missed it all!!–right down to Bobby Jindal’s response. According to the news the next the next day I didn’t miss much from what they said about Gov Jindal—-maybe my angel was trying to tell me something. I mean the house smelled like s**t during both speeches.

    The second time she did was because after an entire morning of undivided attention from her favorite auntie (I was there also with my 2.5 year old) she didn’t want to leave the park. So the first chance she got, she did it again. So, I went to the pet store with her sister (boy she hated that) and left her with dad after cleaning and dad gave her a lukewarm shower to which she protested vehemently. BUT, we put her on proactive rewards system of praise even for every little tinkle…and guess what?

    she did it again so now we still praise her blah blah blah but mostly we micromanage her like insecure freaks. It works. I dare you to try it!

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL http://www.wiredmomma.com/2009/02/crime-scenetoddler-style/trackback/