The Minivan Mafia

I’ve posted before on some of the things I didn’t anticipate about having two kids…..and I can tell you….there is one thing that never even occurred to me and it is the bane of my existence, my least favorite part of the day, the thing I hate the most…..have I made myself clear? Are you curious yet?

Ahh…..what is it, you wonder curiously..

THE PRESCHOOL PARKING LOT.

And Minivans.

SOMEONE KILL ME NOW.

Prior to becoming a mom of two, I never once considered the preschool parking lot. Also – I didn’t go that often because our old nanny would take DD1 and pick her up the majority of the time.

Parking lots are a funny thing. But for some reason, they are inherently social. People love to stand around and gab in them. Teens love to skip school and smoke cigarettes, thinking they are cool, in them.  Some people get lucky in them. Lots of things happen in a parking lot. But a preschool parking lot is a whole different orbit.

And the grand enemy of the preschool parking lot is the mom running late driving a minivan.

And the people that loiter forever.

Why, you ask?

Because the loiterers get there early and are the last to leave…and they hog all the prime spots closest to the front door of the school. And the moms running late in minivans do this – they zip into a spot, don’t care that they are close to the line because their door slides open, and they move on.

So enter the mom who also (perpetually) runs late but drives a four door sedan – and guess what – OH – she cannot park in these spots because the jerks in the minivans didn’t take the time to straighten out.

Why does this matter, you ask?

Because when you have two children, you need to use both doors to get both children out of the car – and if you can’t open the door wide enough on one side to get the absurdly large and heavy infant car seat out – or wide enough to even get your toddler out – then this spot is rendered useless. It is a waste. It is just being horded for some other late mom driving a minivan. It’s almost like the minivan mafia, come to think of it.

Chalk this up as another reason I despise the minivan. (Is it me or are most husband-wife teams split on the issue of the minivan? One parent is pro-minivan and the other is adamantly anti-minivan. You know where KT stands. ANTI. This actually stands as a legit reason to not have a third child, in my head, to avoid the minivan).

OK – so that is part of it.

Then there’s just the reality that it is a total freaking pain in the ass to drag a baby into preschool. That carseat is so heavy, you’ve inevitably woken them from an otherwise quiet and peaceful nap, and as the weeks pass, they quickly get too heavy in the carseat so then you have to get them out of the carseat and carry them in, while holding the toddler’s hand and carrying her schoolbag and lunch, while making sure you are keeping your eye out for moving vehicles that you can be sure your toddler isn’t really paying attention too.

It really isn’t pleasant or awesome. I am sure there are easier ways to do it (arriving on time could be one but that is too hard). And you better believe that after many very sleep deprived nights, I almost left a few ranting nasty notes on the windshields of those minivans barking at them to move the F*ck over and learn how to park straight so the rest of us can park next to them instead of 10 miles from the front door of the school, thank you very much. And kiss my white ass while I’m at it.

I haven’t.

But man have I been close. REAL close.

I know there are people out there who feel my pain. And if you don’t have two kids yet and one in preschool – then your time will come and I’ve warned you. And if you happen to be driving a minivan by the time this happens to you, park straight in the spot, will ya? If you join the Minivan Mafia I will cut you off.

3 Responses to The Minivan Mafia
  1. Emma
    June 2, 2009 | 1:31 am

    As the driver of a 4 door wagon, I too hate the minivan. While my preschool parking lot is somewhat larger and with real parking spots not just side ones, I can attest to the haphazard and downright rude driving of said minivans. I have experienced the minivan mafia indirectly while driving through my neighborhood when school lets out. These f@ckers park everywhere! And yes, the park sideways with no regard to anyone else trying to get by. After waiting for more than 15 minutes to move forward and get past the elementary school “official drop off zone,” I pull past the flock of cars and what was the hold up… 3 freaking minivans who felt the need to park in the middle of the road instead of on the side. Tell me this – how is it safer for your precious cargo if they have to weave in and out of traffic to get to your fancy sliding doors? I had my limit and rolled down my window and flung some not nice words out my window to the inconsiderate drivers. I did not curse since there were children present, but I did make it known that they were a**holes and should learn to park those obnoxious things if they were going to own them. I was met by shocked and amazed parents and a couple of “you go girls.” Dear Kitty I feel your pain!

  2. motherofoneandsoontobe2halfasianboys
    June 2, 2009 | 1:28 pm

    hey, kitty..

    i wheeled it in last night for preschool pickup and parked all crooked.. i was too tired and lazy to straighten out.. but i did see your face in mine as you waved a finger at me… sorry..

  3. Jeanne
    June 2, 2009 | 6:20 pm

    I do drive a mini-van (3 children). I remember when my dream car used to be a Ferrari, like the one Magnum PI drove. Now my dream mini-van is the Chrysler one with the table and the 2 dvd screens. My life has been sold over to the mafia, sorry :( I’ll be more respectful of any crooked parking.

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