“WHAT DO YOU NEED?” shouted the spin instructor the other morning as she was torturing us three-quarters of the way through a morning spin class. Because she was skinny and young, she likely assumed we were all thinking motivational New Years resolution type thoughts like “To burn more calories” or “To look better in my swimsuit.”
But not me.
Maybe it was Adele’s soul rushing through the speakers and over the room but here’s what popped into my head:
PEACE AND QUIET
And I actually had to fight back tears.
Arguably, I could have started crying because the class was so challenging or I probably shouldn’t have eaten so much Quiche and croissants all weekend long – but that’s not what it was about. While skinny spin lady was thinking we were focusing on kale and swimsuit bodies, instead I was fighting back tears because I just need a moment. Or two. Or ten. That’s what I need, lady. Thanks for asking.
There’s no way I am alone in this and it struck me so powerfully. Honestly, I am the gal who pretty much hates feelings, so imagine my own surprise when suddenly I’m feeling all weepy on the spin bike. Once class was over and I could actually think, it hit me that this is an annual rite of passage for me: my children burn me out in the winter. Is it really them? I don’t know.
Every winter, by about this point, I just can’t stand it any longer. Two years ago it was Snowmaggedon and weeks of no school and the difficulty we had in going anywhere made me bat shit crazy. Last year it was the marathon commute in the sneak attack snow storm, naturally because I live in Montgomery County, our power went out for days, and I learned that the firm where my husband worked was dissolving. That was all on the same day. Again, I just couldn’t take it. It’s like I itch.
I’m pretty sure I found myself in the dark giving my kid a rare spanking that night – and well – it probably was her – but it was also me then. Just like it is now.
I need to shed my skin. I can’t stop the emotional itch. The whining, the complaining, the incessant need for something – all these things that are typical kid things that happen every day, all year-long, just seem more taxing as winter is pushing through to spring. Also, I’m just a better mom when I can get outside with them. I don’t like to be cooped up. I’m like a spring flower that needs to blossom in the sun…
It fascinates me that I feel this way again this year because it’s been such a warm winter; we can get outside in the late afternoons or head to the park on random Tuesdays but still, here it is, mid-February and I am shedding my skin, my patience is skating on thin ice and because my kids aren’t going to be my target, you know who has bulls eye painted right on his forehead?
You got that right: Mr. Wired Momma.
Tell me I’m not alone in the winter ritual of this emotional rash?