Parental Torture Devices: Drama in Disguise

Continuing my series on Parental Torture Devices, let’s move beyond the Moon Bounce into other items that appear innocent, fun, age appropriate. You buy or give these items, you imagine the glee, the fun, the giggles.  But this is the twisted world where a 3-year-old morphs from a human being into an “I DO IT MYSELF” monster…a beast no adult human being dare challenge, a pint sized savage that no parent dare cross or reason with.

Exhibit A:

Don't be fooled by this sweet packaging, evil outcomes lurk under its cap

Bubbles. Public Enemy #1. We flock to the bubbles in the spring, we fill their Easter Baskets, we buy the multi-gallon sized refill bubbles container. Ahh..the bottle of sunshine and memories. Or is it?   It always backfires.

When “I DO IT MYSELF” meets that wand, whether it be a small wand you blow through, a large wand you can wave around, it doesn’t matter, it ends in an epic battle of savage v. clear liquid where the only victim left bloodless and weeping on the ground is the parent.

They can’t do it themselves. Why do we think otherwise?

They can’t help but dump all the liquid all over the ground.

They won’t let the parental units calmly blow the bubbles. And it never happens fast enough.

I curse the day when bubbles appear. The happy packaging makes such promise of creating memories not nightmares.

Exhibit B – sticker books:

ohh happy dinosaurs, I paid good money for your drama

What could go wrong with happy dancing dinosaurs? A perfect project for moi and “I DO IT MYSELF” to work on together as I assist older Miss WM with her homework.

Turns out "I DO IT MYSELF" small humans don't have nimble fingers for sticker removal

Ahh…naive parent…how easily we forget that happy dancing dinosaurs quickly devolve because these stickers can not be removed easily by the not-so-nimble fingers of the “I DO IT MYSELF” crowd. Those curvy tails, those long thin windy necks – how easily they rip and tear when being removed from the sticker page. Imperfection need not ever apply when “I DO IT MYSELF” attempts a project. How quickly dinosaur bliss becomes “IT IS RUINED”

“I CAN’T DO THIS”

“NO! NO! NO! I DO IT MYSELF” when the adult human attempts to assist and quell said crisis. How dare a sligthly ripped T-Rex neck ever show its face on said sticker book pages. Unacceptable.

I am left defeated, drained, seeking refuge in a safe house where the “I DO IT MYSELF” crowd can never find moi, tricking moi with her sweet smile, pudgy wrists and ever-dirty face.

These items are not the exclusive items for this parental torture device list. Other such items could include: juice box straws wrapped in plastic packaging, inserting juice box straws into juice boxes without prior permission, opening apple sauce squeezer containers or my personal favorite – opening the front door.  What would you like to add to this ever-long list?

Ahh, the joys. “Like” the WM Facebook page to keep up with any other offending parental torture devices.

3 Responses to Parental Torture Devices: Drama in Disguise
  1. Asti
    April 18, 2012 | 4:57 pm

    And how about when the stickers can stuck on all of your hard wood floors instead of in the sticker book!

  2. aimee @ smilingmama
    April 18, 2012 | 5:57 pm

    SO true! I despise bubbles!! Maybe I need to finally breakdown and spend more than $1.00 and get a bubble machine!

  3. mjg
    April 19, 2012 | 1:18 am

    This was hilarious but so very true. May I add the necessary activity of getting a 3 year old dressed especially in the morning or when you really need to get somewhere and I do it myself could care less because she is happily doing anything but what you want and that is to get on the clothes.

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