Hynie Mouth: Another Evil Plot to Destroy Moms

“Mommy, your mouth smells like hynie,” noted my 3-year-old as she slumbered over my face and settled into bed between me and my husband bright and early one day.

“I heard that when kids sleep until 7am, their mommy’s mouth smells like sunshine and roses,” I grumpily shot back.

The sarcasm lost on her as she fretted over how quickly we could wake up and turn on Jake & The Neverland Pirates.

Little did I know that she was right. My mouth actually was worse than hynie mouth – my tooth was rotting and bacteria were invading my gums. It had been percolating for god knows how long. Why? You ask.

BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE TO CANCEL DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS.

After months of doing the calendar dance with the receptionist, I begin to wonder if my children have late night meetings, with flashlights, hovered over the calendar, whispering together, colluding over how best to sabotage my next doctors appointment.

If I busted out my night vision goggles and snuck upstairs one night, I’d no doubt stumble into this scene: Around 2am, huddled together under a blanket, with the three-year-old dutifully wearing a watch – you know – because she can tell time and should be trusted to report it with accuracy. In hushed tones, she glances at her watch and remarks: “It is 65:23, time to get started. Let’s review the minutes covering our last few successful efforts to thwart mom’s efforts to go to the doctors. What’s next on our list?”

Beaming with pride over her own genius, the oldest is heard bellowing – because she’s completely incapable of a hushed quiet indoor voice ever “Mommy promised to go on my field trip next, that’s what’s going to make her reschedule her next dental appointment!” and just  like that evil laughter and high fives erupts across their innocent bedroom. Evil plot to destroy my health meeting now adjourned.  Mission inevitably accomplished again. I retreat back to sleep, defeated again.

This guy and his buddies loved my mouth

Meanwhile the Mucinex germs we see dancing around in commercials are cheering loudest of all. They’re settled quite cozily into tooth #30 wreaking havoc in my mouth like my children do to my planned doctors visits.

The irony here is this – should one of my children need to get to a doctor – we are there in a hot second. Yet somehow I just can’t seem to get myself there. True, I am never in a rush to get weighed – but setting that aside – any kind of routine visit is pretty much the last thing on my list.

As we approach Mother’s Day – I’m wondering if that isn’t the gift we should be giving to ourselves. Schedule – and KEEP – your damn doctors appointments. I don’t say any of this to sound like a martyr. It’s just reality. Sick kids, field trips, unexpected work trips, shit happens and you have to cancel a doctor’s appointment. Or in my case, I was doing a decent job of going to the dentist for routine cleanings but I fell short on one key area – needing a crown (oh – and flossing).

Reason #1: It cost a lot of money.

Reason #2: The appointment was going to take a lot of time. Who has the time?

Reason #3: I  had no pain.

Reason #4: My X-Rays were all fine.

Reason #5: What’s the rush?

Remember those Mucinex germs doing the samba in my mouth at night as my children colluded against moi?

Apparently that was the rush because since getting fitted for a temporary crown 2.5 weeks ago, I ended up shuttling between two different dentists almost every day for two weeks, most of the visits were unexpected emergency/pain related reasons – and I could pretty much open a side shop of killer pain meds based on the “hot tooth” explosion that happened to moi.

I sarcastically went into a root canal wondering if it was going to be worse than child-birth.

After two weeks of trauma – at least child-birth doesn’t last two weeks is all I can say.

So this year for mother’s day, while I agree that you are this:

All WM should totally own this. Photo Credit: Society6.com

I also think the gift we should all give ourselves is scheduled doctors appointments that we actually show up for. Don’t reschedule them. Don’t avoid it. Don’t fall for the excuses. Let the husband handle the sick kid or the field trip that day. Just go to the damn doctor.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Oh, and for Mother’s Day, give yourself the gift of moi, on Facebook. Your future self totally thanks you.

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