Category Archives: Breastfeeding

The Nurse Off: Or Why I’m a Better Mom than You

Breast might be best for you.

Or maybe your kids are older and it was best for you.

But it wasn’t for me. Like so many other new moms, I was woefully unprepared for the difficulty and pain that would come with nursing. I was unprepared for the latch issues. I was unprepared for the bleeding. The mastitis.  And I was definitely ill-prepared for the challenge that I faced in eking out any more than a few ounces of that liquid gold at a time.

I never quite flowed like this. Photo Credit: (AP Photo/Reinhold Matay) CBS News http://www.cbsnews.com/2300-3445_162-10003450.html

I never quite flowed like this. Photo Credit: (AP Photo/Reinhold Matay) CBS News http://www.cbsnews.com/2300-3445_162-10003450.html

My sister, she didn’t have any of these problems. Like a bountiful fountain, the milk flowed from her.

Not me.

Clearly that makes her a better mother, right?

Some think so.

Here’s the thing – this line of thinking is idiotic.

If you are among the group of people who enjoy attacking other mothers for the reasons why they opted for formula over breast milk – then the sad truth is – you have some unresolved insecurities that are about you. Like the very bully on the playground that you hope your child isn’t, you make yourself feel better by knocking down others and better yet – telling them what’s best for their baby.

But I think this: There’s no reason to dump these feelings on other moms, especially new moms. Those women – and we’ve all been one once – they need a break.

I was well prepared to handle, with confidence, the breastfeeding challenges I faced with my second child. And certainly those challenges were different from what I faced with my first. I had support. I met with lactation nurses. My husband was there to encourage me.

Rah Rah Rah.

Guess what – still didn’t work out so great.

If only I’d had that level of confidence the first time around, I might have had a happier and less emotional entry into the minefield that is new motherhood.

Earlier this week, I proudly chimed in when Rebekah of Stay-At-Home Pundit asked for opinions from formula feeding moms on why it worked best for them – for a piece she published on the site Babble. I pulled from a blog post I wrote back in 2008 titled “I hated breastfeeding.

That post still gets a decent amount of traffic and often comments from new moms grateful for the insight that they are not alone.

Nothing quite like the trolls in the comments section of web sites.  Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

Nothing quite like the trolls in the comments section of web sites. Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

Naturally, Rebekah’s piece brought out the trolls that we can always count on when it comes to hot bed issues. These bullies enjoy saying things like this in the comment section:

I know that breastfeeding advocates have a reputation of being inflexible in their opinion but we need to forget about opinions when it comes to the safety of our babies and look at the facts. If you choose to formula feed your baby (and unless you have a legitimate medical reason which prevents you from breastfeeding then it is a choice) then you should first educate yourself about the risks – and there are several. In the west we have come to regard formula as being comparable to breastmilk and have convinced ourselves that feeding formula is basically the same as breastfeeding, but that’s simply not true.”

Well isn’t that special?

How about this one, apparently this woman is confident in being the spokesperson for another woman’s baby – a stranger’s baby at that:

“Never even tried because the formula was right there. And who knows – She might have absolutely loved breastfeeding. Guarantee that her baby would have preferred it.”

Should I keep going? If you’re interested in the article and the vitriol that comes from some nursing advocates, you can read it all here.

Instead, I will end with this. I’m only 7 years into motherhood but that’s a lot further in than when I was still nursing a baby. Especially that first time. I’ve grown. I’ve gained confidence. And I have a much longer view of parenting right now.  The markers of a great mom aren’t things like

  • How long you breastfed for
  • If you gave your child formula
  • How quickly your child slept through the night
  • If you shared a bed
  • If your 2-year-old never had a tantrum
  • How quickly your child gained mobility
  • How quickly your child started talking
  • How quickly your child potty trained

Should I keep going?

Because that’s just the beginning and we all have challenges, hurdles, pure joy and plenty of stress in front of us. Much like most of us have grown bored with the “Mommy Wars” debate and we couldn’t care less if you work or not, most of us also couldn’t care less how long you nursed for and certainly don’t care how your success in nursing demonstrates your greater commitment to motherhood. The same is true for all of the above. Your child who potty trained so fast? Let us know how your second child turns out. Those full sentences your brilliant toddler is speaking? Isn’t it fun now that they can yell at you and negotiate endlessly?

Should I keep going.

My kids are awesome. I gave them breast milk for 13 weeks each. And when I spend time volunteering in my first grader’s class, there isn’t one person in there wondering if they were nursed by mommy. Trust me.

My kids are awesome because me and my husband have worked hard all these years.

So if you are a new mom and having guilt issues over whether or not you are nursing enough – don’t waste your energy on that guilt. Take a nap. Read a book. Read your baby a book. Go out to dinner with your partner and taste the food.

And if you get off on insulting other women because you nursed for longer, enough already.

Have you hit “Like” on the Wired Momma Facebook page yet? I hope so……

 

I Hated Breastfeeding

What's wrong with a bottle? Nada.

Busy week – so I bring you an old post I wrote back in 2008 shortly after I had my second baby:

How’s this for an honest true mom confession? I really hated breastfeeding. A lot.
The subject of breastfeeding is one rife with confusion and powerful feelings for me.  I truly believe that every new mom I know was riddled with insecurities over breastfeeding and that was evidenced by this question we all posed to each other: “Did you nurse and for how long?”

What that question really means is this: Am I a bad mother if I hate it?  or Am I a bad mother if I stop?

So you hope the other person responds with feelings similar to yours on nursing and better yet, ended up stopping breastfeeding BEFORE you did. This way you can quell your fears and stop the guilt because you nursed for longer and their baby seems fine, therefore yours will be fine.

I don’t mean this as a mommy wars issue – I never found it to be a competitive one or snarky one or reason to bad mouth someone for being a bad mom. I found it to be nothing but naked guilt and confusion amongst mothers quizzing each other for their own personal reasons.

There is so much pressure to breastfeed and so much talk in the media about how breast is best for baby and there is so little talk about what it means for the mom. Somewhere along the way, it’s like everyone forgot about her. She became a mom, therefore what is best for her doesn’t matter because only the child matters.

Where along the way did we forget that formula doesn’t kill babies?

Where along the way is the discussion that to exclusively breastfeed means the mother is held prisoner to the VERY frequent feeding needs of the baby 24 hours a day. Where along the way have you ever heard someone waxing poetic about how newborns need to eat every 3 hours (if you’re lucky) and how it takes an hour for a feed, therefore the mom is at the beckon call of the baby every 2 hours for at least the first 6 weeks?

And during those same 6 weeks, the mom is recovering from the very difficult toll a pregnancy and then a delivery takes on a body – this is not something that should be brushed aside.

When does anyone talk about that on the Today Show?

Because again, formula doesn’t kill babies.

So I approached breastfeeding very differently with baby number 2. First of all – even though I was tempted SO MANY TIMES because I felt myself teetering on the edge of guilt, I REFUSED to ask any of my friends how long they nursed for and when they gave it up and why.

I REFUSED.

I’m sure I knew the answers because I asked them first time around or they’ve done it since, but frankly I couldn’t remember and guess what – IT WAS IRRELEVANT.

Forcing myself to follow that rule was very liberating and empowering because it forced me to stay focused on making a decision that I thought was best for my sanity, not just my new baby.

I also went into it just knowing me – knowing me as a mom, knowing the needs of my older child and how to keep my sanity. Part of keeping my sanity and therefore my ability to still be a good mom to my older child, meant sleep – which meant that I wasn’t going to be the only person feeding the new baby 24/7. So right out of the gates, I only nursed her three times a day during times when I knew the older daughter would be at school or sleeping – therefore I could focus on baby. This also gave me freedom to move about my day and not have to worry about whipping out a boob in public – something I am not comfortable with.

Also I am a believer in sharing of duties – and why in the hell should or would I be the only person getting up in the middle of the night to feed the baby?  Yes, going to work is hard, but so is staying home with two kids – therefore we both needed sleep, therefore we took turns on splitting the middle of the night feeds. I’m not the gal who lives in a house with a husband slumbering away while I’m up. No sirree. NO way. NO how.

So back to nursing.  On Christmas Eve, I came down with mastitis – and if you’ve ever had it – you know it is a miserable, horrible thing to deal with when you have a three week old.  Combine that with a lack of sleep and an excited toddler up at 5am on Christmas morning and you think throwing yourself off the roof of a house is a good idea. Merry F*ing Christmas, was how I felt.

As soon as I learned I had mastitis and not the flu, I stopped nursing completely and just pumped. And I was very OK with that decision.

By 13 weeks, I’d hurt my back and the Excedrin I needed meant I couldn’t give her the breastmilk and guess what – the Excedrin won out over the pumping – and I stopped.

Truthfully, I was really proud of making it 13 weeks even though she never really had my milk exclusively.

My point in all of this – the whole experience was a lot less stressful because I worked very hard to TUNE OUT all the white noise around me about breastfeeding and I refused to allow myself to quiz others to assuage my own insecurities.  We’ve got some kind of crazy cultural obsession with perfection in motherhood that begins with the breast – and I really think it creates a lot of unnecessary stress and confusion for an already tired and hormonal mom.

So I read the new article about nursing in the Atlantic Monthly with great interest. Of all the things Hanna Rosin says, she really struck a chord with me when she points out that everyone talks about how breastfeeding is free – but that assumes they believe the mom’s time is worth nothing.

AMEN. Just reading that made me feel better, particularly because the high price tag on formula is always a subject in our house, I just never considered it that way. Which is so dumb because one of the first things I did when justifying the expense of a cleaning lady was point out the high value of my time and why it should not and would not be spent on cleaning. So maybe we don’t make the same argument with breastfeeding because it is about feeding our child vs. scrubbing a toilet – but again – why is it a different argument? Is our time free?

Here’s a link to the Rosin piece….it’s definitely a good read:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding

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Go forth and do what works for you kittens, and tune out the rest, is how I feel about it all.

Breastfeeding DC Cop & Nursing Rights at Work: Hypocrisy Abounds in DC

OK – first – I have summer brain drain from July 4 weekend and also was out-of-town – so I haven’t been following this story super carefully. I read it with great interest late last week online and then am now today seeing this piece in the Washington Examiner. For those of you who are also, like me, on summer time,  let me catch you up. Apparently a DC police officer is being penalized because she is a nursing mother and the police department is unwilling to provide her with body armour that is suitable for her body because she is nursing, but will not authorize her to work at a desk job, therefore she must take leave without pay.

She must take leave without pay because she used up all her sick leave to take maternity leave for her second delivery.

Now – again – remember that I haven’t followed this story carefully – I do not know if there is more to this story (like about this specific police officer) and for quite some time, I’ve respected and thought very highly of DC Police Chief Cathy Lanier – so something feels like it doesn’t add up to me – but then again, I am not an investigative journalist – so I leave the rest of the story to someone else.

Here’s what I know. We are a nation where hypocrisy ABOUNDS. We shove mommy guilt down the throats of new moms in the form of “breast is best” and all the reasons why the infants will suffer without their mother’s milk and yet we offer no federally mandated paid maternity leave to HELP new mothers exclusively breastfeed and provide for their families and then when nursing mothers return to work – we don’t offer them some place sanitary to nurse, somewhere private, and in many cases, even the time off needed to pump at work. And where does anyone talk about the huge hassle of lugging that pump to work, how much it weighs, how horrible it is to transport the  milk on say, the metro, or idling on beltway traffic, etc etc.  So again, we should exclusively  nurse our children, but how that is logistically possible when we have responsibilities at work, paychecks we need and bosses to answer to who couldn’t care less about leaking boobs and clogged ducts, isn’t anyone’s problem but the nursing mom’s problem?

So as this story plays out in the backyard of the Obama White House, I call to your attention my interview with an employment law expert from the EEOC, where she discusses the Affordable Care Act that Obama passed last year. The very law requiring employers (of a certain number of employees) to offer women a sanitary place to pump at work – that is NOT the bathroom. Noteworthy – this law applies mainly to hourly workers – but Obama did compel the government to do better, to be more resourceful, so are we doing that?

Government, which includes the DC Metropolitan Police Department by my last count, can a woman not return from maternity leave, still pump as needed, and do her job? As in get paid to do her job? Are we really so draconian that women are being penalized for the very thing they are being told they should do for the health and welfare of their newborn children? Really people?  This is the best we can do, the day after we celebrate our independence?

Update: A nurse-in has been organized for this Saturday July 9 from 10-12pm:

Metropolitan Police Headquarters
300 Indiana Avenue, NW
Washington, DC

The group will be gathering to show support for the breastfeeding police officers of the Metropolitan Police Department and to raise awareness of the Department’s lack of accommodation for them. Here’s the FB page link: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=245764152117193#!/event.php?eid=245764152117193

Today’s Topic: Maternity Leave, Interviewing & Pregnant, Nursing at Work

On occasion, I’d like to bring you some advice from fellow DC moms who are experts on topics most of us care deeply about. Topics will range from serious to helpful to warding off an annual summer crisis: avoiding lion hair in the DC humidity.  Today’s topic is about protecting yourself, your job and knowing your rights if you are interviewing and pregnant, planning for maternity leave or returning to work and nursing. Today we’ll be talking with Anne Noel Occhialino, who is a local mom of two and has been an employment discrimination attorney with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for over a decade.

Interviewing and Pregnant

I have a friend who revealed she was pregnant to a potential employer after she was offered the job. The employer then rescinded the offer. What is your advice to women who learn they are pregnant while interviewing?

Anne Noel: “My advice is to think very carefully before volunteering that information.  The Pregnancy Discrimination Act is a federal law that prohibits employers (defined as an employer with at least 15 employees) from discriminating against pregnant women.  That means that it is against the law to refuse to hire a woman because she is pregnant.   We know that pregnancy discrimination persists, however, and it even may be increasing.  In fiscal year 1997 the EEOC received fewer than 4,000 charges alleging pregnancy discrimination but in each of the last three fiscal years we have received in excess of 6,000 charges per year.  From the perspective of the employer, hiring someone who will go out on maternity leave in 6 months is less than an ideal scenario.   Because women are not obligated to disclose their pregnancies, and because some employers still discriminate against pregnant women, my advice is that pregnant women keep their happy news to themselves until they begin work.   Once a woman starts working, she may convince her employer that she’s an excellent employee, pregnancy or no pregnancy, and it may be harder at that point for an employer to discriminate against her by firing her.”

Bottom line – you are under no obligation to volunteer this information, so focus on protecting yourself first.

Maternity Leave

I am incensed just thinking about where we stand compared to other nations on federally mandated paid maternity leave. In case you don’t know, the United States is the only industrialized country in the world, except Australia, that doesn’t mandate paid maternity leave. Many other countries also offer fathers paid paternity leave, which is I think part of our mistake here in the U.S. Domestically, this issue is viewed as a women’s issue instead of a family issue, a societal issue.

What should women know about maternity leave and their job security?

Anne Noel: “People are often surprised when I say that I had to cobble together sick time, vacation time and unpaid leave to take “maternity leave” after the births of my daughters.   The Pregnancy Discrimination Act does not require that employers give women maternity leave.  Instead, it requires only that employers treat pregnant women the same as everyone else. What that means is that if an employer gives employees sick leave or a set amount of unpaid leave for medical illnesses or injuries, it must also allow pregnant women to take that leave.   So, the Pregnancy Discrimination Act does not require that pregnant women receive paid maternity leave, and no other federal law does, either.  The news about unpaid leave is a little bit better.  In 1993, President Clinton signed the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) . The  FMLA guarantees up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for a child, including a newly adopted child or newly placed foster child. Workers are eligible if they work for the government or in the private sector, so long as they work for an employer with 50 or more employees. Additionally, employees must have worked a minimum of 12 months for the same employer and must work more than part-time, or about 31 weeks of the year.  Because of the prevalence of small businesses in our country, only 60% of private sector employees are covered by FMLA.”

Monica: There is movement in the individual states to improve the law on maternity leave, and California is leading the way.  Under the state disability fund, new parents are insured 6 weeks of paid time off.

MomsRising provides invaluable information on this topic, here is a quick overview of facts from their web site that we all should know:

  • Having a baby is a leading cause of “poverty spells” in the U.S. — when income dips below what’s needed for basic living expenses.
  • In the U.S., 49% of mothers cobble together paid leave following childbirth by using sick days, vacation days, disability leave, and maternity leave.
  • 51% of new mothers lack any paid leave — so some take unpaid leave, some quit, some even lose their jobs.
  • The U.S is one of only 4 countries that doesn’t offer paid leave to new mothers — the others are Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and Lesotho.
  • Paid family leave has been shown to reduce infant mortality by as much as 20% (and the U.S. ranks a low 37th of all countries in infant mortality).

Nursing Mothers

I am constantly amazed by how much time is spent focusing on the importance of breast milk to the newborn child and yet so little time is focused on the difficulties working women face in nursing exclusively given our lack of federally mandated paid maternity leave and limited access to safe and clean places to pump in the workplace.  Hypocrisy abounds.

I understand that in the Affordable Care Act passed last year, the President included some protection for nursing moms in the workplace. What can you tell us about this new law and what hurdles nursing moms face in the workplace?

Anne Noel:  “Yes, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (“PPACA”), was signed into law on March 23, 2010.    It requires employers to provide ‘reasonable break time for an employee to express breast milk for her nursing child for 1 year after the child’s birth each time such employee has need to express the milk.’  Employers are also required to provide a place other than a bathroom to express milk.  This law primarily protects hourly workers and is subject to exceptions.  Employers with fewer than 50 employees are not subject to the break time requirement if doing so would impose an “undue hardship” on the employer. This law should make it easier for many, but not all, women to express breast milk in the work place.

But working women face other hurdles in the work place when it comes to expressing breast milk.  In one case that the EEOC successfully litigated and then settled, a female doctor filed a charge of discrimination alleging that the owner of the family medical practice where she worked had sexually harassed her.   She alleged that the harassment intensified when she returned from her six-week maternity lleave and focused on her need to express breast milk for her son.  Although she would pump in her own office at lunchtime, her male boss made lewd and sexually-suggestive remarks to her, asking if he could “help” her pump, if he could see her breasts before she finished pumping and if her sex drive increased when she was pumping, and even saying that he would like to “lick up” a drop of breast milk that had fallen on her desk.  Mostly because of the harassment, she soon found a new job.”

Overall Advice

Anne Noel’s closing advice: “If you think you have been discriminated against, consult an attorney who can advise you as to your rights under federal and state law.  It is usually a good idea to try and work things out with your employer, if you can.  But if you cannot, try to take notes about what happened and think about other people who could corroborate your claim.  Remember that litigation can take years, but sometimes it is the only way to remedy discrimination and bring about change.  And also remember that you must file a charge of discrimination with the EEOC or your state agency if you want to go to court to assert federal claims of employment discrimination and that you have to file a charge within 180 days or 300 days, depending on where you live.”

Monica: Thank you to Anne Noel for providing us with such invaluable information. And thank you to MomsRising for always keeping us current on important facts. Next week we will get some expert advice on avoiding horrid summer frizzy hair.

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