Category Archives: Humor

A Father’s Guide to Mother’s Day

Today’s post is a win-win for everyone: Moms & Dads. Declaring myself the official spokeswoman for mothers the world over, Dads, I offer you this much-needed insight and guide for Mother’s Day.

What is Mother’s Day? Is it a day of epic failures and unrealistic expectations? Is it a day of miserable crowded brunches? Is it a day of breakfast in bed and afternoon spa time? Is it a day of unfulfilled dreams and hopes? It could be all or most of those things, depending on who you ask. So let’s cut to the chase.

Funny as it is, we don’t want this, really ever:

We probably wouldn't turn down a date with JT, however

We probably wouldn’t turn down a date with JT, however

Turning to TV icons and brilliant ideas, however, I can pretty much say we all loved this guy and what he had to say – especially the “Here are two tickets to that thing you love…and now those tickets are diamonds”

Let's bring this guy back, shall we, Old Spice?

Let’s bring this guy back, shall we, Old Spice?

So, while I’d discourage you from showing up on a horse on Mother’s Day, I would encourage you to take my guide to heart. It is a low-cost, win-win way to approach Mother’s Day. Best part – it’s a weekend filled with ideas. My advice – get started on this immediately:

  1. Initiative. This is what she wants for Mother’s Day. Are there dirty clothes in the laundry basket? Then go wash them. Then fold them and then put them away. Quietly. Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask for recognition. Oh, and don’t forget to treat the stains on the kid’s clothes. Are there any other unfinished projects around the home? Now is the time to do them, this includes light bulbs that might need to be changed, any batteries swapped out, any kid toys that need repair, outstanding yard work, piles of kid crap on the kitchen counter that needs to be sorted and put somewhere. The same goes for your work shoes on the floor.
  2. Planning. While you are eating breakfast, ask yourself what is for dinner. Wonder this alone in your head. Do you not know? Neither does she but someone has to figure it out and guarantee she’s already started thinking about it. So be the decision maker and take something out of the freezer and commit. How about lunches for the week ahead for the kids. Need to stock up on grocery items for them? Grab the kids and head to the grocery store and stock up, brother. Don’t ask for a list. Take inventory before you go. Are there any upcoming kid birthday parties? Does someone need to purchase a gift for those parties? Maybe knock that one out while you are out getting the groceries…with the kids.
  3. Intervention. Are the children fighting? Does someone need to step in before it escalates? Be bold! Go forth and do that. All weekend long.
  4. Foresight. Are you all heading out the door to go somewhere? Like maybe brunch or dinner with your mom or her mom? What time do you need to leave? Work backwards from that time to assess when you need to start corralling the children: getting them on the potty, getting their shoes on, are you bringing a gift or a bottle of wine, do you need to bring coloring books or crayons or anything to keep the kids occupied in the restaurant? Snacks for the car ride? You’ve got this covered. Quietly. These things are just getting done while she is getting ready for said departure.

Guess what? Now you really are this guy:

Wasn't that easy?

Wasn’t that easy?

It goes without saying that flowers, a card, home-made cards from the children and really any other gift recognizing her is pretty much welcome, as well. But in the meantime, you’ve got this amazing low-cost guide that will guarantee you measurable results: a very happy wife.  What did I forget, Moms? Speak up…and be sure to “Like” and weigh in on the WM Facebook page.



The Top Five Toddler Truths

Today I bring you one of my favorite blog posts…a blast from the past….something everyone can relate too – whether you are struggling through the toddler years right now or have once before. Read on and have a good Friday laugh.


My baby just turned four….my reaction, you ask?

Part this:

And part this:


Anyone who has survived the twos and threes knows exactly why. Now that both of my children are 4 and 7, I’ve had the horror honor of experiencing the two different ways these two very different children experienced these nightmare lovely years. And so, it is time for some reflection on what I believe are common traits shared by this age group, charming as they are. And setting aside the sarcasm, there is something really delightful and sweet about toddlers. No really, there really is. But also, there’s not.

Here’s my list of five toddler truths to help keep your patience and your mind in tact:

1. Channeling your inner-zombie apocalypse paranoia will get you through the toddler years. Allow me to be frank: the strongest will survive by prepping for biological warfare. Ideally, you own this:

The HAZMAT suit is likely the only guard against toddler illnesses

Because the shorties excel at nothing if not contracting disgusting diseases — and not just any old disease. Mais non!! Think – disgusting ones that you have never before heard of and oh, are highly contagious. Sicknesses with gross names like Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease….or Norovirus….or Fifths Disease. Most charming of them all is the Norovirus which ever-so-thoughtfully tends to peak from Thanksgiving through Christmas.

Seasoned parents immediately assess what they eat once a child has started puking in their home because they know it is anywhere from 12-24 hours before they, too, will fall.

“Please pass the potatoes, it’ll be great coming back up later when I’m hugging the toilet, vomiting it all up,” most parents of 2 or 3-year-olds are thinking during at least one holiday family gathering.

Many of you know that my now 7-year-old gave my ENTIRE family the gift of the Norovirus on Christmas Eve when she was 2 years old. We all started dropping like flies around midnight. “Merry Christmas, I’ve given you the gift of instant weight loss,” she snickered with an evil laugh in her sleep as visions of sugar-plum fairies and unicorns danced in her head.

While we wished for death.

Or at least more bathrooms in my parent’s house. Oh. and More mops.

#True story

2. Their fierce need for Independence is soul crushing at times. Intuitively the small human knows precisely when you are short on patience and running late (#Always) and that is when they boldly declare:


Don’t worry, their path to discovering independence in the form of putting on shoes (on the wrong feet) and getting into car seats only takes 65 minutes and 23 seconds.

While we’re on the subject of getting into car seats, you will experience one or all of these:


So what else do I know?

3. One of you is a serial killer, according to your toddler. Sorry Dad, usually it’s you. Typically, this revelation washes over them with no warning. Clear signs that they believe you’ve just murdered their pet cat or are stashing human brains in the freezer are as follows: Screaming when you enter the room, recoiling in horror at your touch, pleading with the beloved parent that you, the murderer, shouldn’t touch or look at them. True, there are days when the chosen parent wishes they were the serial killer parent. But like everything else, one day, this will pass, and the former serial killer could become most-favored-parent. Again, with no warning or explanation.

4. Toddlers are compulsive liars. Either that or they are the only human beings on the planet that never have to go to the bathroom. EVER.

Except they always do (click here for more perspective on potty training). Just know that their

why do they do this? Photo Credit:

why do they do this? Photo Credit:

purpose in life is to fight you to the death that they DO NOT HAVE TO GO POTTY.

5. Speaking of fighting you to the death, enter meal time. Hunger strikes are common with this age group. The cause they are fighting against? Parental control, obviously. Look, just accept now that even though you fed them something the day before, which they ate quite happily, doesn’t mean they will eat it. Ever again. For at least two years.

Just go with it.

This is what I know about toddlers. Now that we’ve emerged from this phase, I am still no fool. I will keep my HAZMAT suit hung in a closet but certainly not packed away, Mr. Wired Momma still timidly enters a room, unclear if the mere sight of him will cause our youngest to recoil in horror or if he’s regained his status and meal time still brings us nothing but unfettered joy…cough cough cough.

For more on parenting and hopefully some good laughs, be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page. And please, feel free to add your toddler truths here.

Parenting in Pictures: Part Three

It seems I’m not the only one who loves the snarky some-ecards given how everyone responds to them on the totally fabulous and always hilarious Wired Momma Facebook page. (it’s criminal if you haven’t liked that page plus I am getting so close to 600 likes so help a sister out)…so today I bring you an old blog post that should still make you laugh….A Week’s Perspective in Pictures.

If you can’t relate to this one, I don’t like you or your kid:

For good reason, one of the most shared images I’ve ever posted on Facebook


Glitter is my enemy and naturally my children’s favorite art accessory:

Too True


This one totally cracks me up….please never photograph me dancing or worse…video it:


This is especially true after happy hour:


And finally….

When can the children feed themselves….and properly?

Have a great weekend friends……join moi here if you haven’t already to keep up with the fun when I don’t post……more next week.

It’s Thanksgiving Week – Bust out your HAZMAT Suit

There’s so much to say with this week, the week of Thanksgiving.

Sure, I could talk about the mounds of stress we all feel building on our shoulders because there is


Over the next month.

Or I could talk about all that I have to be thankful for.

Which is a lot.

But you don’t come to me for sentiment and I don’t do feelings very well.

Let’s cut to the chase, tis the season for food, tis the season for festivus, tis the season for gift-buying, list making and cooking baking.

Pass the gravy, not whatver disease your kid is inevitably harboring right now. Happy Holidays.

Pass the gravy, not whatever disease your kid is inevitably harboring right now. Happy Thanksgiving.

Tis the season for NOROVIRUS

I totally LOVE this headline from last year in England “CHAOS as winter vomiting cases hit 750,000”

Oh yes. Oh yes. We know it well. I am certain Norovirus is actually a form of biological warfare and it starts to rear its super ugly nasty viciously contagious head around Thanksgiving.

Here’s the thing about playing host to little children: They are rats.

No no. Not snitches. Well, actually that too, especially the older one.


Remember these scenes?

The Bubonic Plague

My children have each managed to deliver something quite similar at major holidays…..

Look closely at that poor sad couple slumped down in the foreground. It’s totally you – probably next week.

You know all those lists circulating around Buzzfeed, this one should top it this week: You Know you’ve lived with a three-year-old when at least one holiday has been spent vomiting the entire time. We’ve been lucky enough to have two of those. The first time, our gift to my entire family on Christmas eve was the highly contagious disease in question: the norovirus.

Merry Christmas family! We brought the rat! We offer you a quick way to drop 5 pounds before New Year’s Eve.

#You’reWelcome. No need to send a Thank You note this year.

Really, I insist.

Two Thanksgivings ago, we were quarantined to our own separate table over Thanksgiving dinner because the day started with puking again. Naturally.

Everyone air kissed us and raised their glasses awkwardly in our direction, as if even making eye contact would inevitably infect them with the nastiness my child started the day with.

Quite frankly, when my mom circulated the cute, adorable, environmentally friendly electronic invite to this year’s Thanksgiving feast, I am a little shocked it didn’t include an addendum: You’re invited, leave the rats out back. And please wear your HAZMAT suit the entire time so as to keep your inevitable disease contained. We deserve this.

C’est vrai

Mandatory Holiday Couture for Parents Who Want to Remain Healthy

Mandatory Holiday Couture for Parents Who Want to Remain Healthy


And so, moi’s wish for you this week, is to avoid hugging the toilet and spreading the highly contagious and seriously nasty vomiting disease among your family members. I am certain we aren’t the only ones who have passed this one around with the green bean casserole.

For hilarity, be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page.