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Don’t miss Listen To Your Mother DC

April 24, 2012

On Sunday May 6 from 2-3:30pm – there is no where else you’d rather be than sitting in the audience of the Synetic Theater in Arlington – enjoying the fabulous debut of Listen To Your Mother DC. Trust moi!

So what is Listen To Your Mother?

It’s a live show featuring local authors. It was started 2 years ago by Ann Imig in Madison, WI and based on her success, she is debuting the show in 12 different cities nationwide. The show gives a microphone to Mothers Day. But it does more than that because it’s not just for mothers, it’s for parents, aunts, uncles, cousins – it’s for anyone who has loved a child.

I auditioned for the show in February and was so proud to be selected as one of the DC cast members. Last month, we all gathered together and heard each others pieces for the first and only time until May 6. I was blown away. I left that evening in awe of the talent in DC, the talent that you don’t hear or see in mainstream media every day but is still there. Each writer has a unique voice and a great story. Some will make you cry. A lot. I don’t even really love emotions and let me tell you, I couldn’t help myself. Some will make you laugh. A lot. Some will make you tear up and then laugh. It’s a great balance. It’s 90 minutes on a Sunday afternoon where you can just relax and let 1 local women entertain you – give yourself a break on Sunday afternoon – let yourself be entertained and enjoy yourself.

I hear we are on track to sell out the 400 person theater, so don’t waste any time and purchase your tickets pronto. And a final last pimping of it out, catch my interview today on the show’s site!

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Motherhood, Uncategorized

I Hated Breastfeeding

April 20, 2012

What's wrong with a bottle? Nada.

Busy week – so I bring you an old post I wrote back in 2008 shortly after I had my second baby:

How’s this for an honest true mom confession? I really hated breastfeeding. A lot.
The subject of breastfeeding is one rife with confusion and powerful feelings for me. I truly believe that every new mom I know was riddled with insecurities over breastfeeding and that was evidenced by this question we all posed to each other: “Did you nurse and for how long?”

What that question really means is this: Am I a bad mother if I hate it? or Am I a bad mother if I stop?

So you hope the other person responds with feelings similar to yours on nursing and better yet, ended up stopping breastfeeding BEFORE you did. This way you can quell your fears and stop the guilt because you nursed for longer and their baby seems fine, therefore yours will be fine.

I don’t mean this as a mommy wars issue – I never found it to be a competitive one or snarky one or reason to bad mouth someone for being a bad mom. I found it to be nothing but naked guilt and confusion amongst mothers quizzing each other for their own personal reasons.

There is so much pressure to breastfeed and so much talk in the media about how breast is best for baby and there is so little talk about what it means for the mom. Somewhere along the way, it’s like everyone forgot about her. She became a mom, therefore what is best for her doesn’t matter because only the child matters.

Where along the way did we forget that formula doesn’t kill babies?

Where along the way is the discussion that to exclusively breastfeed means the mother is held prisoner to the VERY frequent feeding needs of the baby 24 hours a day. Where along the way have you ever heard someone waxing poetic about how newborns need to eat every 3 hours (if you’re lucky) and how it takes an hour for a feed, therefore the mom is at the beckon call of the baby every 2 hours for at least the first 6 weeks?

And during those same 6 weeks, the mom is recovering from the very difficult toll a pregnancy and then a delivery takes on a body – this is not something that should be brushed aside.

When does anyone talk about that on the Today Show?

Because again, formula doesn’t kill babies.

So I approached breastfeeding very differently with baby number 2. First of all – even though I was tempted SO MANY TIMES because I felt myself teetering on the edge of guilt, I REFUSED to ask any of my friends how long they nursed for and when they gave it up and why.

I REFUSED.

I’m sure I knew the answers because I asked them first time around or they’ve done it since, but frankly I couldn’t remember and guess what – IT WAS IRRELEVANT.

Forcing myself to follow that rule was very liberating and empowering because it forced me to stay focused on making a decision that I thought was best for my sanity, not just my new baby.

I also went into it just knowing me – knowing me as a mom, knowing the needs of my older child and how to keep my sanity. Part of keeping my sanity and therefore my ability to still be a good mom to my older child, meant sleep – which meant that I wasn’t going to be the only person feeding the new baby 24/7. So right out of the gates, I only nursed her three times a day during times when I knew the older daughter would be at school or sleeping – therefore I could focus on baby. This also gave me freedom to move about my day and not have to worry about whipping out a boob in public – something I am not comfortable with.

Also I am a believer in sharing of duties – and why in the hell should or would I be the only person getting up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? Yes, going to work is hard, but so is staying home with two kids – therefore we both needed sleep, therefore we took turns on splitting the middle of the night feeds. I’m not the gal who lives in a house with a husband slumbering away while I’m up. No sirree. NO way. NO how.

So back to nursing. On Christmas Eve, I came down with mastitis – and if you’ve ever had it – you know it is a miserable, horrible thing to deal with when you have a three week old. Combine that with a lack of sleep and an excited toddler up at 5am on Christmas morning and you think throwing yourself off the roof of a house is a good idea. Merry F*ing Christmas, was how I felt.

As soon as I learned I had mastitis and not the flu, I stopped nursing completely and just pumped. And I was very OK with that decision.

By 13 weeks, I’d hurt my back and the Excedrin I needed meant I couldn’t give her the breastmilk and guess what – the Excedrin won out over the pumping – and I stopped.

Truthfully, I was really proud of making it 13 weeks even though she never really had my milk exclusively.

My point in all of this – the whole experience was a lot less stressful because I worked very hard to TUNE OUT all the white noise around me about breastfeeding and I refused to allow myself to quiz others to assuage my own insecurities. We’ve got some kind of crazy cultural obsession with perfection in motherhood that begins with the breast – and I really think it creates a lot of unnecessary stress and confusion for an already tired and hormonal mom.

So I read the new article about nursing in the Atlantic Monthly with great interest. Of all the things Hanna Rosin says, she really struck a chord with me when she points out that everyone talks about how breastfeeding is free – but that assumes they believe the mom’s time is worth nothing.

AMEN. Just reading that made me feel better, particularly because the high price tag on formula is always a subject in our house, I just never considered it that way. Which is so dumb because one of the first things I did when justifying the expense of a cleaning lady was point out the high value of my time and why it should not and would not be spent on cleaning. So maybe we don’t make the same argument with breastfeeding because it is about feeding our child vs. scrubbing a toilet – but again – why is it a different argument? Is our time free?

Here’s a link to the Rosin piece….it’s definitely a good read:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding

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Go forth and do what works for you kittens, and tune out the rest, is how I feel about it all.

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Breastfeeding, Motherhood

Ashley Judd’s Puffy Smackdown & Me

April 16, 2012

“What happened to her face?” I asked my husband, as I nestled into our warm couch to watch the guilty pleasure-ridiculousness that is “Missing” – otherwise known to me as Jason Bourne for moms.

Then came the next week.

“Seriously, why does she look like that? Why is her face so puffy?” I asked out loud – again – receiving no response. I was mystified.

Then another week came and went, and I was still watching Jason Bourne for moms….as much for the beautiful scenery throughout Europe of places and cities I’d rather be right now – in this very moment – as for the Ashley Judd turns Jason Bourne excitement. “Okay, is it me or is she so puffy?” I asked him again. Clearly I wasn’t letting this one go.

“Well, she doesn’t quite look like Jennifer Garner in Alias, so maybe that’s part of it,” he finally answered, acknowledging my petty questions all these weeks.

The ground suddenly shifted beneath him as my powerful feminist self floated above the sofa and breathed fire upon the sexist man who dare insult woman-kind everywhere. Is this the man I married, thought moi, as visions of my former-hardcore feminist self protesting outside of strip clubs in college, flooded my brain.

In record time, my own personal criticisms of Ashley Judd’s face conveniently escalated from being snarky and obnoxious, to rage against the male patriarchy that has the nerve to judge a beautiful woman because she isn’t 20 years old anymore.

“Hey ageist, sexist jerk, she’s like almost 50 years old and looks amazing, how dare you compare her to Jennifer Garner in 2004! That is SO RUDE,” I huffed.

Apparently double-standards do not make for two-way streets chez moi.

C’est vrai. Ain’t life grand for Mr. Wired Momma?

Then last week came word from the Ms. Ashley Judd herself about her puffy face. I eagerly read it on the Daily Beast’s web site and posted it on my WM FB page. I didn’t really have a comment for it because I wasn’t sure how to process it but I felt it should be shared anyway. In part because I was hoping someone else would help me reconcile it all in my head.

Then I kept thinking about it.

Without acknowledging my own hypocrisy to Mr. Wired Momma (how dare he get that satisfaction), I mulled her words about female bodies, the harsh judgment we all place on them and then her point that patriarchy is not just perpetuated by men- but actually women because we willfully participate in mean and hateful comments about other women’s bodies. I wondered why I was so thrown off by her puffy appearance and why I cared.

Truly, why was I so curious about her face? But still, somehow, I wasn’t fully on board with Ashley Judd’s essay. Despite my minor in women’s studies.

Then I read Alexandra Petri’s column about it in the Washington Post over the weekend and snarky and flippant as she might be, I have to say, she put her finger on what wasn’t sitting right with me this whole time – Ashley Judd is an actress and she is judged not just for her acting skill but for her beauty.

Like it or not.

And we don’t just do this to women, we do it to male actors.

His thinner years...photo came from: http://wrathofmom.blogspot.com/2011/08/fifteen.html

Think back to the glory years of Friends…..don’t tell me we all weren’t tracking Chandler Bing’s bloated druggie face and body – that he not-so-carefully hid behind those sweet sweater vests. Just as an example. We judge male and female actors for their appearances. Tell me – would meme’s from Jason Alexander go viral with the speed they do from Ryan Gosling?

It ain’t because of Ryan Gosling’s personality.

Petri’s words were harsh but in my efforts at being brutally honest, which is partly why you love moi and WM, I have to say I do take them less seriously coming from an actress because I am all but certain there are plenty of women out there who are equally as talented as Ashley Judd but never stood a chance in a cold day in hell because they weren’t thin enough or as beautiful. Her beauty opened doors for her and made her millions – not just her talent – so she’s going to be judged for it – by women and men.

Would you email around some "Hey Girl" meme's from him? Photo Credit: http://www.nndb.com/people/714/000024642/

I do, however, fall back on her words and questions as to why women are so keen to judge each other. We are our own harshest critics and we buy the gossip mags criticizing each other – not men. Or at least not many men.

And most importantly, what does this mean for our own kids? THAT is what is important about this dialogue. I couldn’t really care less that an actress’ feelings are hurt but I do think she raises important points about our culture. None of them new points but still important ones.

Ashley Judd’s manifesto serves this purpose: to compel me to do better about not talking about other women’s appearances so that my kids don’t mimic this behavior. Our weight goes up, our weight goes down, does it matter? No. Is it anyone’s business? No.

When I was pregnant, I was so appreciative any time someone told me I looked good, even if I knew they were lying through their teeth, because I wanted that affirmation. Then I had my baby and well, I didn’t look good. And when people would come see me after I had her and they would say nothing, it would only affirm what I already thought about my appearance.

What a ridiculous waste of time, I have since concluded now that I haven’t been pregnant for a few years. I’ve made a personal pact to not comment on how a pregnant woman appears or how she looks after she’s given birth. It isn’t relevant. Does she have on amazing shoes? A great dress? A super stylish new haircut?

Then I’ll say something.

How her body looks doesn’t need public commentary.

Because I don’t want my girls seeking this out. And my personal pact isn’t just about pregnant women or new moms, it’s about all of my friends. Or frenemies. Or even enemies. Cause I have a lot of those, naturally.

Look, the point is, let’s just stop talking about our bodies. And even stop buying magazine covers that are headlining articles about the great shrinking celebrity new mom’s body or the great enormous size of Jessica Simpson’s pregnant body. Let’s keep the focus more on Ms. Piggy’s Moi Loves Moi and less on “Moi’s body doesn’t look so much like Jennifer Garner’s in a one-piece hot suit from Alias.”

Sure it does. Believe it sister. Cause our kids deserve to think this way. This goes for mothers of boys just as much as mothers of girls.

So that’s how I made Ashley Judd’s essay on herself, about moi.

As for Mr. Wired Momma….he’s still in the doghouse for being a jerk about it.

For more tips on yelling at husbands for affirming what you’ve been saying for weeks…and other such wisdom, “like” the Wired Momma FB page. It’s a happy place where everyone has an amazing body and great accessories. Moi Loves Moi.

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Motherhood

Parenting Hierarchy…it’s there….don’t deny it

April 12, 2012

“Whatever, you’re not a real parent until you have more than one kid,” shamelessly dead-panned a good friend of mine a few weeks ago over happy hour.

Familiar to you? Especially coming off spring break.....

A few other moms totally laughed and agreed.

This particular friend was relaying a stressful drive with her two girls and a co-worker, who has one kid, while her two girls fought mercilessly in the back seat. And the single child quietly read a book. She eventually had to pull over and lay into her kids…right around K Street…during rush hour.

We’ve all been there. And little can raise your blood pressure like two siblings unleashing on each other over absolutely nothing. In this particular instance, one girl was holding her face inches from her sister’s face yet stating, factually, that she wasn’t touching her.

#AreWeThereYet

But what do parents of just one kid say about the statement that they aren’t “real parents” - probably “F you, I’ve got my hands full” – right?

Lord knows when I had my first, I thought my whole world was caving in and I could barely get a meal on the table with one little 6 week old. By the time I had my second, I wondered what in the world was the big effing deal the first time around, a newborn has nothing on a 3-year-old. Right?

So then there are parents with 3 kids or 4 kids…..I’m sure they’re all looking at people with two kids thinking it’s a joke because we’re luxuriously handling man-on-man defense while they’re in the Zone. Let’s cut to the chase, however, once you get beyond 4 kids, we’re all pretty much judging you and wondering what in the world you were thinking or smoking to compel you to have that many kids.

#NoThanks

Or how about the people who have the kids super close together – they know they’re being gossiped about and people are wondering what they were on when they made that decision. A good friend of mine with 3 kids, all under the age of 5, basically accepted that she was Slutty Mom at her girls’ preschool for the duration of her pregnancy with the third because the youngest two would be 15 months apart when baby was born. She probably was right.

#MomWhore

Right now, over in Wired Momma Land, I see a woman with a 3-year-old at preschool and she is always carrying a baby, presumably her own, who I guess to be about 9 months, yet she also looks to be about 9 months pregnant.

I stare. I judge. I struggle (with great difficulty) to do the math in my head. Could she have a 9 month old and be 9 months pregnant? Could it be a small 11 month old? What if she’s just really big because it’s her third kid and so she’s really only 6 months along?

Any way you slice it, I actually don’t think of her as Slutty Mom, I just wonder: did gazing into the sweet eyes of a two-week-old (who never sleeps) tempt her so?

#IsThatPossible?

Or is she one of those unlucky people who thought she was safe because she was nursing and got pregnant the first time she had sex after the baby was born?

#NursingDoesn’tMeanYouAreSafe

To say that I am fascinated would be an understatement.

But why do we care? What difference does it make?

Who knows but whether it’s spoken or unspoken – there is a parenting hierarchy and we size each other up.

On really bad days, I see people leisurely out with one kid and I am probably part jealous and part thinking they really aren’t real parents. Even though I had never processed it that way until my friend said it. I’ve already admitted to judging someone who has a bunch of kids, especially super close together in age, and don’t tell me you parents of three kids or four kids – that you don’t look at the rest of us, especially in our non-Minivan sweet rides (ha ha – kidding) – and think we’ve got it easy.

Judgy Judge Judge Judge.

We LOVE to do it.

Jolie Pitt children...the most discussed celebrity large family

How about parents of twins? Where do they fit in here? You know they’re looking at new moms with one baby and thinking their life is a joke. Personally I get annoyed when parents of twins complain to me – because last count – I still have two kids who also make demands and run in different directions and wake up at night.

Think about the Jolie Pitt clan….they have the one-two punch of a ton of kids and twins….even with more money than God to fund nannies and staff, we still talk about it. Recall there was a time when people speculated that Angie was addicted to motherhood.

#I’mNot

Don’t tell me I am alone here.

There is absolutely a parenting hierarchy but my guess is, we each fancy ourselves, on top.

Thoughts as you’re pulling out of the preschool parking lot?

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Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Uncategorized