Category Archives: Preschool

From Cliches…to Kindergarten….to Cribless…

For everyone with a rising Kindergartener, this post, now two years old, is for you. But wait – everyone else – it’s also for you.  Turns out, for me at least, shedding a few tears behind my sunglasses when they board that bus the first day didn’t end after Kindergarten, here we go again as she heads off to 2nd grade.

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“They grow up so fast!” – does it not seem that everyone preaches this to you when you are a bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived, hormonal, chubby, cranky new mom?

What does that mean, I used to wonder. I would stare at my baby wrapped like a burrito and swear with each passing minute that I would never again sleep uninterrupted. I wouldn’t shower with ease. I wouldn’t know what an impromptu night out on the town would mean. I would be trapped by this small cute blob that basically always needed something but didn’t give much back.

“Oh, she’s so adorable. Enjoy it now! It doesn’t last…”

I know, I know, I would snark in my head thinking of cruel things to bark back at this well-intentioned stranger….I  know….they grow up so fast. They all do except  mine, who won’t sleep and really fusses at inconvenient times.

I hated that cliché. I hated it as much as I hated “Sleep when the baby sleeps”

You know why I hated that one? Because I TRIED but she didn’t sleep LONG ENOUGH….where could I get the kid who slept when mommy slept? Why didn’t someone put that one on the menu? Aren’t they supposed to obey and respect their mother’s wishes?

But then came Monday. When my sweet smiling baby went from this:

Will she really ever grow up?

to this:

I never agreed to this happening so fast

In the blink of an eye.

I swear it was like someone pressed the fast-forward button times 5 and there went my sweet girl, proudly wearing the fall 2011 kindergarten accessory, the pinned on name tag identifying her name, her teacher and the color of her bus. With barely a glance back, she boarded that school bus and was off.

I totally cried behind my sunglasses, cursing that stupid cliché for being as right as it is annoying.  And then what did I do? It was like I was out to torture myself on Monday. I should have just gotten out a knife and taken up cutting.

On Saturday, pre-over-hyped (though we did lose our power) Irene, we went out and purchased a full size bed for our 2.5 year-old. I noticed her in the crib last week and realized how ridiculous it was that she was still being imprisoned. So big girl bed delivery was scheduled for Tuesday.  So what made more sense than to head to Babies’R’Us on Monday and purchase a side rail for the big girl bed.

Does that make sense to you? If it does, then you probably haven’t been in that store in a few years, like I hadn’t.

Immediately after crossing the threshold, I was drowned and suffocated by sweet baby smell, small cute baby onesies, little tiny size N diapers, cute little Halloween costumes….and there I was to purchase something to render my  home cribless…..a mere 24 hours after my oldest started Kindergarten…..the extra small baby things were mocking me. They were cooing and giggling and smelling good….

Could I get pregnant just standing there, I wondered? How could I not realize that going from Kindergarten to Cribless in the same week is just too much for a gal to take? What will the nursery look like without the beaver-chewed up sides of the wooden crib anchoring the room?

How did this happen?

(Friends…don’t forget to “Like” Wired Momma on FB to keep up with my rants and raves…I usually am not so emotional!)

Uncensored Guide to the ABCs…..We Welcome You Letter D

Sorry fans, we’ve received all your fan mail, we blush at how much you love the Gallagher sisters’ Uncensored Guide to the ABCs…and we hope our brief two-week absence from this award-winning series didn’t leave you feeling a little empty inside. Blame moi and not the other three Gallagher sisters – they were diligently working on the Letter D week way back in September.

And as you know from previous weeks…..this is no Disney themed D List. Dads need not apply. Below we have some epic suggestions for what your tyke could bring in this week for the letter D….and special bonus – to compensate for the pain and agony you suffered awaiting the next in this series – we will even offer you a pretty amazing glimpse at well….us….in the past.

#The80sThemeNeverDies

Drumroll……this week how about you consider:

Duran Duran

Designer Denim

Dungeons & Dragons

Diana, the People’s Princess

Note: Me and Mr Wired Momma do this at home a lot. Photo of: Jennifer Grey & Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. Unless you thought it was me and Mr WM. In which case, it is.

Dirty Dancing….because no one puts Baby in the corner

Dallas…we are onto some possible Halloween costumes…you know you want to rock some killer Alexis hair

Dynasty (umm…can we make a note to not forget FALCON CREST when it’s the letter F week?)

Def Leppard

David Hasselhoff…OBVIOUSLY

So where else can we go from here? Can the D list get any better? Do you need anything else for your child’s preschool back pack than say, a copy of Dirty Dancing or this amazing picture of David Hasselhoff?

You’re welcome.

But wait…there’s more…. let’s not forget the other cultural phenomenon associated with the letter D…..

DINGO….cause as it turns out, we all learned back in July that the dingo did eat the baby

Right? Who remembered that our beloved Meryl Streep starred in this classic...about the mother who claimed the dingo ate her baby

But we can’t end on such a sad note….poor dingo eaten baby….no no……the letter D brings us none other than DORKS..that’s right…the Gallagher sisters also completely UNCENSORED….circa Easter 1985…..the two youngest have the unfair advantage of clear angelic youth on their side while the eldest two are victims of Dorothy Hammel haircuts and questionable fashion choices. I will let you decide which one is moi:

 Before we end for the day, however, I feel it my civic duty to share with you my two fav someecards posted on the ever-famous Wired Momma Facebook page this week. If you haven’t liked this page, mon Dieu, I urge you to do so pronto.

The Uncensored Guide to the ABCs: An 80s Theme for the Letter C

The Gallagher sisters are the following:

  • Snarky
  • Hilarious
  • Sarcastic
  • Pretty
  • Smart

Oh….and we love a theme.

We also love the 80s. Legwarmers, hair spray, neon, Belinda Carlisle, you name it, even Rick Astley.  So, this week, for the “Make sure your kid’s preschool teacher is actually not falling asleep” on the Letter C day, we bring you our best list yet. Move aside lame and boring C day options, we’ve got new ones for you.

For example, what kid needs Cinderella the fairy tale when she could instead have Cinderella the hair band?  Right?

But wait, there’s more. Is your child into more cuddly things? Still searching for the perfect Halloween costume for Dad? Then look no further….we can kill two birds with one stone: CARE BEARS

Because that's not creepy at all

Not into Care Bears? Who can forget the furor over Cabbage Patch Dolls….and let’s make this one even more current:

That's right, a Sarah Palin Cabbage Patch doll

Now, if we haven’t given you some compelling C words to think about, there’s always:

Clamdiggers

Chucks

Cold War

rubik’s CUBE

Clapper

C. Thomas Hall

the Cure

Cosby Show (note: I still love catching re-runs of the Cosby Show)

Teen Heart Throb Corey Haim. Take that Justin Bieber...the 80s boy toy heart throbs really did have cool hair.

Corey Haim

Corey Feldman

Culture Club

Cyndi Lauper

Captain & Tennille

Cutting Crew

Chicago

Cassette tape….I dare someone to dig up their old mixed tape they made for their boyfriend and send it in with their kid. If you do this, we will invite you to a private, exclusive, super fun happy hour with -why – the Gallagher sisters. Nothing could be more fun! But you’ll have to share the playlist with us first.

With that, I’ve posted some pretty hilarious pictures on the Wired Momma Facebook page this week. If you haven’t liked the page, please do because we keep it light there. I’m including the most popular Someecard I’ve posted yet, below…..because I’d hate for anyone to miss out on the fun:

And seriously….dig up those old casette tapes. And share the playlists with us either here or on Facebook. It could inspire a new themed guide. Like maybe the scorned lover 80s themed playlist? The tired parent 80s themed playlist? The possibilities are endless. Until next time friends, anything could happen next week with the Letter D guide. The Gallagher sisters always take suggestions, especially if it’s a themed list suggestion.

 

 

Uncensored Guide to the ABCs…..The Letter B

 

Given the popularity of last week’s post, I’m thinking we all enjoyed the Gallagher sister’s uncensored guide to what to bring in to preschool and guarantee your teacher is paying attention. Sadly, the youngest Wired Momma’ette rejected the entire list of A suggestions and instead opted for an Acorn last week. Today is the letter B day in preschool…and so I bring to you this week’s Guide. Forget Belle or Bunnies….snore….let’s get started:

Boob Jobs
Beans, refried and sticky
a Billboard
Bong
a BOX.

Beer

Bee

Boa (feather or constrictor)

Beard

Boudoir

Body Odor

Belly Dancer

Bat (shit crazy person)

BMW

Barnacle

Blackbeard the Pirate

Boeing 757

Brie

the BEATLES compilation Box set
dead Beetles
an actual Dead Beatle, though I think digging up the John Lennon’s grave would prove a bit much….
Bill Clinton (this could work for C day if he is unavailable

Banana Hammock

Brassiere

Botulism

Boring people

Personally, I love Botulism, Bill Clinton and Boring People.

Then suddenly, it hit moi,

Shouldn't she bring in NKOTB for the double whammy of Boy Bands?

BOY BANDS

A 4 year old could really set the mood in class with a little Barry Manilow, no?

Barry Manilow

Bad English

Boyz 2 Men

Bad Babies because I prefer those over Good Babies

Better yet, she could bring in the below visual guide to what it’s like going to the Beach with any one of them in class: And finally….

When your kid dresses at Batman for TBall games….it’s pretty certain she’s going to bring in her favorite superhero for the letter B day.

Tune in next week….the letter C brings endless opportunities. “Like” Wired Momma on Facebook to keep up with the fun and frolic.