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Occupy Parents: Oppression by Toddler

December 5, 2011

My oppressor is cruel.

My oppressor changes the rules without warning.

Sure...why not wake up now for the day

I now suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. I totally sympathize with my oppressor. I don’t want to leave the very person holding me captive and forcing her cruel regime upon my once peaceful home. True, I’ve plotted my escape route. I’ve considered signaling friends or neighbors – hoping someone would read my distress signals and send help. Smoke signals? Courier Pigeons? Will they help?

I’ve approached law enforcement. I’ve pleaded with them with my eyes. My tired, blood-shot, puffy swollen eyes. But I am powerless.

Her working conditions are a form of torture. Could the day start at 4am? Maybe she’ll awaken me several times before 5am? Maybe she’ll stand screaming on the stairs, risking waking the older child in the house? The uncertainty awaiting me in the wee hours of the next day is the psychological torture that accompanies the physical torture of starting your day in the middle of the night.

I’ve tried everything. I am bigger. I have more life experience. I hold the keys to the bank account, the car, hell, the front door. I provide shelter and food. And yet I can’t seem to escape these unfair working conditions.

Why does a toddler go from sleeping through the night and awaking after 6:30am to suddenly waking daily at 4:18AM or 5:02AM and then refusing to go back to sleep? And as anyone knows who has lived through this form of torture, an awake 3-year-old is entirely different from a baby who wakes in the middle of the night because a baby can’t march into your room, flip on the overhead lights, pull off your covers and shout “MOMMY WAKE UP!”

If they could, none of us would have them. Ever.

And so randomly in September began my months long imprisonment under the brutal regime of an almost 3-year-old. Was it moving her to a big bed, we wondered? Later it seemed taking away the pacifier only compounded our situation but these were all events that need to happen in the life of a person transitioning from babyhood to bigger kid-hood. Did she have to pee? Was she hungry? Is it her eczema? Should we buy this bunny clock and teach her to stay in her room until the bunny wakes? Does she sleep too late in the afternoon? Go to bed too early?

What about putting her on the potty at 11pm? How about taking away story time with mommy until she sleeps longer? How about no songs before bed? Maybe punishment will work because she loves those things.

But wait – don’t the “experts” say to reward good behavior. So how about this – how about promising her candy if she stays in her room until the bunny wakes up? What kid isn’t incentivized by a piece of candy? And what sleep deprived parent gives a crap about the repercussions of rewarding a kid with a piece of candy when they haven’t slept past 4AM in months? At that point, I am willing to confess to any crime I am charged with if it allows me to sleep longer.

Have you been there?

Can you feel me?

Are you squinting your eyes in deep suspicion of that cute little sweet 8-month-old you have? Cause you should if you’re not. These small dictators give no warning and no explanation for their treatment of the parental units. And you can drive yourself INSANE trying to trouble shoot and problem solve with a child who has the attention span of a gnat and an ability to ignore your direct questions more skillfully than Herman Cain. Except these kids don’t lie. They just don’t offer you any hint or help. I’d pay anything for one of her fellow toddlers to out her secrets to any paper in this country and expose her to the world – if it would give me the answer I need to help her sleep longer. The toddler-tell all would rise to the top of the Amazon and NYT best-seller list in 24-hours. Right?

And the emotional price tag on parents facing so many consecutive weeks and months in these brutal regimes is impossible to quantify. I wouldn’t say we’re through it chez moi but it’s been an entire week since me and 4am have met eye-to-blood-shot-eye, so perhaps we are turning a small corner? Or maybe it’s the Stockholm Syndrome denial rearing its head?

I can tell you that the bunny alarm clock didn’t do squat for brow-beating my toddler into staying in bed or in her room until the bunny wakes. But super fun fact: it’s been sport for her older sister who LOVES nothing more than to lecture her about staying asleep until the bunny wakes up and offering up her daily reminders that SHE slept until the bunny woke up. Santa’s imminent arrival feeds her lectures and warnings even more now.

I can tell you that taking away story time, taking away songs, worrying about nap times and promising candy all did nothing. Did applying her steroid cream for eczema on her skin that didn’t even really look that dry help? Who knows. I’m willing to try anything.

I'm about as friendly as Ron Swanson after months under this regime..PARKS AND RECREATION -- "Ron & Tammy, Part 2" Episode 303 -- Pictured: Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson -- Photo by: Chris Haston/NBC

I do think ditching the pacifier added to our problem but it needed to happen. I do think putting her on the potty at 11pm has helped because she doesn’t seem to want to use her overnight diaper and eagerly gets on the potty at 5am. Clearly the only thing that can help with that is time and her bladder size increasing. Does anyone sell a pill to help with that?

I do think that offering her a bed time snack has also helped because like most 3-year-olds, she isn’t interested in sitting at the table for long during a meal, so supplementing her with some yogurt and apples right before bed time has been my latest trick. I tell you all of this in case you, too, are living in an oppressive regime and no one is receiving your bat signals.

So what can we do, people, because we are the 99% here and so far – Occupy Parents is kicking my ass.

For more on how Occupy Parents is going and other shenanigans, don’t forget to “Like” the fabulous Wired Momma Facebook page.

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Toddler Antics

Potty Training….A Premature Declaration of Independence from Diapers?

July 12, 2011

“My daughter is potty trained!” I proudly declare one day in late spring.

“Wow, congrats!” exclaims another friend. “So she doesn’t need a diaper at all? Not even for naps?” Her motivations for asking me this question automatically seem suspect….why must she knock me off my proud pedestal, I wonder. We both know the answers.

“Well,” I begin to concede “She needs a diaper for naps and for night-time and well, she isn’t pooping on the potty but she’s not wearing a diaper now!” I add hopefully. Probably a little too desperately. This time my confidence is deflating as we both stand there realizing that the fact that she’s not wearing a diaper now means that I could be changing her underpants any minute. Is she potty trained? Or is it just dumb luck? Perhaps the better question to ask me is this: Why has my daughter gone from wearing shorts to only summer dresses (read: less laundry bc she just pees on her leg instead of through the shorts) or how many pairs of extra underpants have I stashed in my purse (therefore demonstrating my true lack of confidence in just how potty trained she is.)

Along the path to potty training, I think there’s a sliding scale of loose definitions of the phrase that we use to make ourselves feel better when we’re secretly worried that they won’t make diapers big enough for our kid who actually really isn’t fully potty trained. The question really is: When is a child potty trained, like actually potty trained, like you really aren’t buying ANY diapers instead of you are buying fewer diapers and definitely buying swimmer diapers. Do we declare our independence from diapers publicly while behind closed doors, we really have a closet full of diapers for occasions other than just pee during the day when the child is awake?

Not quite the blissful image of potty training I'm experiencing

Clearly I have been stuck in the slippery, sliding, deflating, frustrating, demoralizing slope of potty training for a while now, with my 2.5 year old. Am I obsessed? Maybe. But I’m obsessed more with how we label it and how, in reality, it’s actually a continuous process. Sure, we’ve all heard of those miracle kids who potty train themselves and never have any accidents and poop on the potty right away and none of it required any work for their parents.

Back in the day, I would have secretly hated those people and wished ill-things on them like lots of tantrums or sleepless nights. And while a few unfavorable thoughts might flash in my head as I’m mopping up another accident on my carpet, really I’ve concluded that it all evens out in the end. The marathon of parenting ebbs and flows differently for all of us and while I’m in a dark place and someone else might not be, theirs will happen another time. So who am I kidding, I’m still kind of evil when you tell me great things about your kid that don’t mash up with my own version of misery and hell.

So back to the dark black hole of potty training – can I really call her “potty trained” with it comes with the following caveats: won’t poop on the potty, needs them for naps and night-time and I wouldn’t dream of sending her to the pool without a diaper. I mean, am I kidding myself when I proudly tell myself that both my kids are potty trained? But I know I’m not alone.

And then there’s the set backs and the ways kids handle being potty trained. Some of it is comedy and some of it has forced me to actually quit motherhood. Are the setbacks a natural part of potty training? Do they regress to test our patience and our deep love for them? Why are a few pee pee accidents on the carpet a few days in a row after a few weeks of no accidents – why is it so demoralizing and frustrating and disappointing? Because for me it is. The potty training regression was the final straw in my decision to quit motherhood the week before July 4.

I didn’t quit for long but making that declaration of independence was actually really satisfying and somehow about as real as the declaration of my child’s independence from diapers. One wonders if my declaration meshes with my daughter’s behavioral declaration of DEPENDENCE on having accidents.

And then, is my kid potty trained when she actually sits on the potty to pee but fails to realize that she needs to pull DOWN her underpants, therefore soaking through them?

Or how about the lack of boundaries on where going potty is appropriate? My friend’s kid was in Buy Buy Baby when she was potty training her and her daughter saw the potty’s out on display for potty training, whips down her pants (at least she was clever enough to whip down her own pants) and pees in the potty in the aisle at the store. In her young mind, she went pee pee on the potty, right? No one said WHERE the potty needed to be.

Bill Cosby nailed it last month, as we sat under the stars at Wolf Trap, and listened to his 2 plus hour monologue that was both hilarious and shockingly felt like he’s an observer in all of our lives and marriages. In one part of the act, he spoke about his grandchildren and the challenges in parenthood. He cleverly noted that children do not know how to conjugate verbs. So when his 3-year-old grandson declares “I go potty!” – you gotta move and move fast because does he NEED to go potty, did he ALREADY go potty, is he ABOUT to go potty, is he GOING potty when you are rushing him there? It could be any of the above. He’s three. He doesn’t conjugate correctly.

And perhaps the toddlers aren’t the only ones who don’t know how to conjugate the verb. Perhaps we adults get it wrong too. Afterall, if I still have diapers in my closet, is my child “potty trained” or is she “potty training”? A process that could take months, if not longer? Have I declared our independence too soon? And how many more times will I quit motherhood along the way?

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DC Parenting Blogger, Motherhood, Potty Training, Toddler Antics, Washington Mommy Blogger

Today’s Topic: Cars, Safety and Kids

June 29, 2011

A few things have come together to inspire today’s expert topic: cars, safety, technology and kids. First – we need a new car chez moi and we’re engaged in a lively debate over getting an SUV with a third row seat, or not, as we stare down many years of carpooling (our old vehicle is a 2002 Jeep Grand Cherokee). Second – because our car is old, it seems to me that technology has changed pretty dramatically in vehicles since our last purchase and I need to learn more about what’s out there. So for today’s installment in the Wired Momma DC Moms expert series I turned to Amy Brink, a friend and attorney, who works for the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, a trade association in DC that represents 12 auto manufacturers. Amy is knee-deep in automotive issues every day, as well as a mom to 2 kids and expecting her third in a few months. So who better to find out what the latest and greatest technology is in vehicles, what the scoop is on saving a few bucks in gas and a few other fun facts for the kids?

Everyone, including Oprah, likes to talk about distracted driving and the importance of not texting while driving. Of course, I am in full agreement and know that my state, Maryland, just this year passed a bill to prohibit texting and driving, or even reading texts while stopped at a red light. But to me, distracted driving is about more than technology and how we are using it. Frankly, as a mother of 2 young kids, what defines distracted driving in my car is my kids. A trip around the beltway or down the street usually involves kids arguing, instant demands that I retrieve whatever they’ve just dropped and loud fighting over whether we’re listening to the Backyardigans or Little Mermaid soundtrack. To say that I am distracted would be an understatement. Tell me, what kind of new and emerging technologies are auto manufacturers putting in vehicles to help parents stay safe and focused, despite what their kids are doing?

New model vehicles today are equipped with voice integration systems, so the driver can talk without having to look away from the steering wheel. Additionally, you can talk-to-text, so you can respond to a message without averting your eyes from the road by simply stating a command. Many systems allow you to preset a certain number of different pre-determined text responses like “On the road, be home soon.” You then can tell the car to respond with that command, we’ll call it command 3, and then you’ve responded without taking your eyes off the road. A recent study found that 80% of all crashes happened because a driver looked away from the road seconds prior to the crash. Voice recognition is now available in over 90% of models, up from just 70% in 2009.

Also, I’ve found that voice recognition technology keeps the phone out of sight of the kids, which I think is helpful because then when the kids don’t see it, they don’t want to play with it and they don’t feel like they are competing for my attention. Another newer technology is OnStar. We have OnStar in our vehicle and I will admit, I did put my daughter in one day and then locked the car with the keys inside the vehicle. It was like that episode of Modern Family where Cam locks Lilly into the car, I was totally freaking out. The woman in the shop actually came outside and held an umbrella over the window. Anyhow, OnStar unlocked the doors right away and while I’m confessing things here, would you believe I did it AGAIN – not two minutes later – talk about mommy brain. You have no idea how grateful I was for OnStar.

Loved this scene in Modern Fam of Cam trying to open the car

Finally because your Jeep is a little older, you might not be aware of how many newer models come equipped with a video player in the back seat or satellite radio. The kids can listen to the video with their headphones on and the parents can still carry on a regular conversation.

All of these new features sound fantastic – and I loved that episode of Modern Family. I’ve also been coveting the iPod sync my sister has in her Mini Cooper, especially because I despise listening to the commercials on the radio. As I consider the built-in video players for our next vehicle, I’m torn because it is something I’ve actually ached for when I hit that unexpected traffic jam on the beltway but I can see how there’s likely an issue with setting boundaries and expectations with the kids. What’s your experience on this front?

Well, as a mom to 2 young kids, I certainly face that battle every day. We’ve worked really hard at setting boundaries with the kids on when they can and can not watch a movie in the car. They know that for the commute to daycare or home, they aren’t going to watch a video, but certainly for longer distances it’s a real treat to have access to it. Just like everything else with them, we try to be consistent so they know what to expect with it, it’s a privilege to watch the movie, not an automatic right. And for the record, it can be a life-saver in those unexpected Saturday afternoon beltway traffic jams.

That makes sense. Now moving on to safety technology and emerging technologies, everyone has heard of anti-lock brakes and electronic stability control. What other types of new safety technologies are automakers installing in vehicles that parents should know about before heading off to the showroom floor? To me, just the idea of heated or cooled seats seems like wonderful technology.

Well, personally, the blind-spot assist technology has been really wonderful. Basically when another vehicle is in your blind spot, as detected by sensors built into your vehicle, a small light will illuminate in your rearview mirror to let you know. It can be really helpful, again, especially when you are in a rush or the kids are distracting you. In terms of emerging technology, vehicle-t0-vehicle communication is really pretty amazing. What it means is that vehicles will be able to talk to one another. For example, say that a monitoring system picks up that all cars are turning on their windshield wipers at mile marker 48, your vehicle can then ready itself for inclement weather and alert you to an upcoming weather front. Or, maybe cars are all suddenly shifting to the far right of a lane – this driver behavior can then alert the city that there’s a pothole in the road. Another example might be when two cars are approaching the same intersection, vehicle-to-vehicle communications can determine that one of the vehicles isn’t preparing to stop – even though they have a stop sign, and can warn the other driver.

Very cool stuff to look out for. So these are technologies to look for in the future?

There’s lots of cool stuff in the works. One thing to keep in mind is that car shoppers value safety – so, automakers compete against one another to build cars consumers know are safe. That means each company is doing lots of research and experimenting with things behind closed doors to beat the competition. In the end, the consumers win. In general, though, I think you’re seeing automakers take on the next generation of safety technologies – which are the types of technologies that help a driver avoid a crash in the first place. Things like lane departure warning and adaptive cruise control are great examples of that.

Until then, off topic, but still fun for families, kids as young as 3 and 4 are learning about the environment and the importance of recycling in preschool. I’ve heard that many parts of the vehicle are recycled, can you give me some fun facts that I can relay to my kids about what’s been recycled in vehicles today?

Sure, they might like to know that old blue jeans are used for trunk liners and carpets inside the cars.

Some sweet 80s jeans as carpet liners, anyone?

The auto manufacturers also study nature to help learn how to build new technologies into vehicles. For example, one manufacturer is studying locusts because they fly in tight formations and are masters of collision avoidance. So what can we learn from how they locusts travel and avoid collisions, and apply it to safety technology in vehicles? Really interesting stuff.

Final question – gas prices are still pretty high. As we head into the July 4 holiday, long road trips and traffic, do you have any tips on getting the most out of our mileage?

Sure. Before you hit the road, check your tire pressure. Keeping your tires properly inflated can improve your fuel efficiency by almost 3%, which translates into about a tank of gas per year. On distance drives, maintain a steady speed. Most people don’t realize that every 5 mph over 60 mph they are driving is the equivalent to spending an extra 20 cents per gallon on gas. And a third tip that is easy to remember is be sure you tighten your gas cap all the way – you can check your owners manual for specifics on your vehicle but typically you should hear the cap click as you tighten it. A loose gas cap is an easy escape route for gas.

Thank you to Amy for her great advice on autos today. And I’ll keep you all posted on if we end up with a vehicle with a third row seat or not – I’d love to hear from readers who do have an SUV with a third row and if it’s been as used as you expected it would be.

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Car Safety, DC Moms Expert Series, DC Parenting Blogger, Family Car, Life with 2 kids, Toddler Antics, Traveling with Kids, Uncategorized, Washington Mommy Blogger

Tune in to Crank Time

June 19, 2011

“M-o-m-m-e-e-e-e-e-, I want it!” shouts one daughter

“No, I want that!” exclaims the other one.

“No, it’s M-I-N-E” asserts the older one again, louder, yanking even harder.

They shout and pull. They fight and argue. I ignore it. I project myself onto a white sand beach where small children are banned and husbands are only allowed if the wife so wills them there. If I avert my eyes and say nothing, perhaps they’ll forget I’m here to negotiate yet another peace treaty, I think desperately.

No children or husbands in sight...

Meanwhile, back in reality, the young humans are still sparring over some useless fifty cent compass they picked out at the dentist’s office, despite being in a room overflowing with engaging, colorful and age-appropriate toys. Dare I wonder why they must fight over something that they don’t even know how to use, let alone what North, South, East or West even means?

“Let’s start a show and call it Crank Time,” suggests my good friend on the phone one day, as we blurted out the latest top ten list of egregious kid behaviors executed by our own offspring. We immediately conclude this is a brilliant idea. What better venue could there be for us? First – we are awesome. Second, we are clearly telegenic, witty and never short on words. With Crank Time, we can stylishly discuss our complaint du jour and invite guests to debate. The truth is, beyond children, anything is fair game: nanny, husband, boss, latest absurd celebrity baby name, the opportunities endless. Once we’ve exhaled our frustrations, we can move on. We conclude our show’s mission is cathartic moments for busy moms, a hybrid of commentary and debate.

“What I really want is a kid-taser,” unabashedly announces this same friend. Topic one for Crank Time, I suggest, because frankly, in some moments, I could go for a Kid Taser. Couldn’t you? Imagine it, kid acting like a maniac, kid spiraling out of control, quick use of the kid-tase and bam, problem temporarily solved. Who has time to read the parenting books anyway, especially when we have a swift and easy-to-use technique on hand.

I think I hear the screeching wheels of child protective services pulling out front of Crank Time’s studios right now. Little do they know I am affiliated with more shadowy figures who suggest other offensive escape route plans for bad kid behavior.

“How about a chloroform wipe, I could really go for one of those on a very rare occasion with my 3-year-old, to just knock her out for a few seconds. The problem is, some jerk out there will abuse it and ruin it for the rest of us,” confessed another friend.

Topic 2 for Crank Time, I suspect, as I’m wrestling with a raging lunatic of a two-year-old who is fighting the injustice of being strapped into the stroller so we can actually make the quarter mile walk home in under 3 hours. Where can I get one of those, I ask him desperately. I’ll pay anything. Sometimes the sweet innocence of discovering every mentionable and unmentionable object and thing on a walk is more tedious than sweet, I’m not afraid to admit.

The live debate on Crank Time over the use of Kid-Taser and Chloroform wipes is bound to be a ratings success during sweeps month, I reason, as I wonder if I should really find these two suggestions as amusing and appealing as I do.

Don’t we all have these moments? I know, I know, it’s so shocking to think when you have a sweet 5 month old whose only job is to sit there and giggle when you sneeze and flap their arms and eat whatever you offer them without a fight. I used to lovingly gaze at my baby and remember thinking I couldn’t possibly imagine ever getting angry with her. What in the world could she do that would ever upset me? My naiveté was almost endearing, right?

The truth is, in those moments of raw-nerve exhaustion when I just don’t think I can take it one second longer, when I actually do wish I had a Kid Taser, my mother’s needlepoint haunts me:

Is it mocking you too?

Cleaning and cobwebs can wait til tomorrow . . .

For babies grow up we’ve learned to our sorrow . . .

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep . . .

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep

That simple poem she stitched, even through raising four kids, readily mocks my self-imposed ban on mommy guilt.

Some day, I will miss these moments, I tell myself through gritted teeth, as the words to that needlepoint crowd my brain and confuse my emotions. They might be fighting and Machiavellian maniacs unleashing their cruel reign of terror onto me but they are home, and they want to be home, and they love me so much. How could something so small and cute be so awful? How could I love them so much and yet want to taser them?

Isn’t that daily cycle of contradicting emotions in parenthood?

Join us on Crank Time. It’ll make you feel better.

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DC Parenting Blogger, Discipline, Disciplining Kids, Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Tantrums, Toddler Antics, Uncategorized, Washington Mommy Blogger