Washington DC Mommy blogger

Life with a 3-year-old: Welcome to the Year of the Rat

April 30, 2012

Much has been documented about life with a three-year-old. Personally, I’ve written about how the only conceivable answer to why I don’t leave for 365 days is that I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome because what else can rationally explain living life under the cruel regime of a small and unpredictable dictator?

Other times, I marvel over her still-chubby arms and dread the day she has an actual wrist instead of a Michelin Man arm. The charm of hearing her pronounce her S’s with her tongue creating a sweet lisp noise as it presses against her front teeth and she waxes on about her love for “Sphider Man,” could make anyone forget the insane breakdown that just happened 2.3 seconds prior or is about to erupt in 12 seconds.

But it isn’t until you are into toddlerhood that you realize something else: They are rats.

No no. Not snitches. In my house, that’s the older one.

The human species at three exhibits many characteristics shared only by the rat. I know this because I am a world renown scientist. C’est vrai. Oh. And a human behavior specialist. And an early childhood educator.

Or I’m just super good at sounding like one.

What do I mean, you ask, all aghast that I’m telling you that your kid is cousins with that rat you’re trying to trap out back?

Remember these scenes?

The Bubonic Plague

Why no..you probably weren’t in England in the Middle Ages as the Bubonic Plague swept across Europe. HOWEVER life with a 3-year-old means life with constant disease. They are nothing if not incubators and spreaders of all sorts of nasty illnesses. Look closely at that poor sad couple slumped down in the foreground. It’s totally you – probably like 3 weeks ago.

You know you’ve lived with a three-year-old when at least one holiday has been spent vomiting the entire time. We’ve been lucky enough to have two of those. The first time, our gift to my entire family on Christmas eve was the highly contagious norovirus.

Merry Christmas family! We brought the rat! We offer you a quick way to drop 5 pounds before New Year’s Eve.

#You’reWelcome. No need to send a Thank You note this year. Really, I insist.

This past year, we were quarantined to our own separate table over Thanksgiving dinner because the day started with puking again. Naturally.

Next year’s invite might read: You’re invited, leave the rats out back. And please wear your HAZMAT suit the entire time so as to keep your inevitable disease contained:

Pass the gravy, not whatver disease your kid is inevitably harboring right now. Happy Holidays.

Come to think of it, that suit might come in handy beyond the holidays. How about all those times the apparently “potty trained” 3-year-old craps their pants? My favorite is when she pees her pants while we’re standing in the bathroom.

Really?

You really didn’t know 1 second ago when I brought you in here, that you had to use the facilities?

#WhyGodWhy

Not long ago, I learned that some idiot parents at a preschool called the Department of Health on the preschool and complained it wasn’t clean enough because their kid was getting sick all the time. This story is endlessly amusing to me. Had these ahole parents never once ever come across a 3-year-old in their life until they had one?? Or better yet, were they the jerks who assumed every other parent did something wrong, like I don’t know, bathe their kid in illness, and continuously forget to wash their grubby little hands, because why else would that kid be sick so much?

#Idiots

So what other characteristics do 3-year-olds share with rats?

Hoarding and thieving things to retrieve for their nest. Specifically the hoarding of a totally random assortment of teeny tiny small plastic toys, that rotate in favorability and importance with no clear warning or obvious reasoning. My favorite part of this hoarding characteristic, which includes carefully guarding said items and squirreling them away in their room and random bags, is keeping track of these 2 inch items.

Because you know, they never get lost. Exhibit A: the world’s smallest rhino and the world’s happiest blue plastic bunny. I rue the day they entered my life.

How quickly can I make these guys disappear?

When the tiny toy flavor of the week leaves the rat’s nest, it is the adult human who bears sole responsibility for keeping an eye on said toy and ensuring its safe return to the nest. This agreement is not even a verbal agreement. Consider it part of the mind-reading terms you agreed too upon birthing this child, after hosting it in your uterus for 10 long months. If you defy the terms of this agreement because your brain dare crowd with other more pressing thoughts, the wrath of the rat will wreak havoc on your life. David beat Goliath. This is the modern day tale. During the year of the rat, the rat-human child will inevitably wear you down; you will find yourself scouring a park, the playroom, the bedroom, the laundry machine, anywhere you can deseperately think you might relocate the world’s smallest lost toy, as fear ricochets through your body. Your blood turns cold in ancitipation of the epic meltdown that awaits you in the very near future.

#NotAgain

As for the thievery part of this phase of life, my best advice is, if a 3-year-old has entered your home, pat them down before leaving because odds are they’ve located more of the world’s smallest plastic toys and carefully placed them somewhere on their person or in the backpack of “treasures” they insisted on bringing to the outing.

Desperate times call for desperate measures in the year of rat. As a well regarded scientist myself, even moi can’t shed any light on why the small rat-human favors small toys and hoarding them in this third year of life.

You will never win.

Accept it for what it is.

Am I missing any of the rat-like characteristics of the 3-year-old? Chime in.

In the mean time, if you’ve got a rat living in your home, my best advice: Dust off your hazmat suit, prepare to ruin a few holidays, hunt down some magnifying glasses and don’t forget to take your vitamins.

For more survival tips on the Year of the Rat, and general hilarity, be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page.

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Preschool, Toddler Antics

5 (Wild & Crazy) Little Monkeys at Adventure Theatre MTC

April 28, 2012

This weekend marks the opening of Adventure Theatre MTC’s 5 Little Monkeys, the fifth production of the theatre’s season. Settling into the show’s final dress rehearsal on Thursday night, I wondered to myself: how in the world are they going to take a short children’s book about 5 monkeys falling off the bed and turn it into an entertaining hour-long production?

Why oh why, when it comes to Adventure Theatre MTC, do I ever ask why? I should know better by now.

Which monkey is your kid most like? Photo Credit: Adventure Theatre MTC

Directed by Karin Abromaitis and produced by Michael J. Bobbitt, the cast of 5 Little Monkeys and one extremely patient and forgiving mother, takes us through the seemingly innocuous parts of any parent’s, human or apparently monkey, day with young children and sheds light on how absolutely nothing is simple with a gaggle of children in tow. Valerie Leonard is exceptional as the patient and even-tempered mother of 5 rambunctious monkeys and as she introduces the audience to monkeys 1-5, she skillfully describes each monkey’s temperament.

I quickly identified monkey #3 as most-like my youngest and monkey #4 as most-like my oldest. Read: trouble-maker and curious, and bookish and rule-follower. I am sure every parent in the audience will surmise which monkey is most similar to their children, which is part of the fun. The play opens at the start of what turns out to be, for momma monkey, a very long, trying day. In the beginning, the mischievous monkeys beautifully convey the chaos and mess that ensues when children take on any kind of baking project, in this instance, making a birthday cake for mom (one day early). After successfully destroying the kitchen, starting a fire in the oven, and bringing the fire truck out to the house, the cast then leads us to a picnic in the park.

What could possibly go wrong?

Anyone who has ever taken several young kids to the park themself knows exactly what could go wrong – though without spoiling it – there is a surprise animal appearance during this park outing that particularly delighted my reptile-obsessed ~~monkey #3~~ three-year-old. We especially loved that plot twist.

These monkeys must wear her out. Photo Credit: Adventure Theatre MTC

The final outing for the monkey crew is to the store for new clothes. Again, shopping with young kids is not efficient or for the faint of heart, as Leonard repeatedly loses some, or most, of her monkeys that day. I could relate, trust moi. By this point in the play, I began to wonder if they were actually just going to ignore the jumping on the beds premise of the book, but fret not, they saved the very part the kids are familiar with for the show’s conclusion. The actors who so energetically and skillfully portray young children also take on other character roles throughout the show, which is elegantly performed in rhyming prose, including shopkeepers, fire men and of course, the Doctor.

The entire time I sat there, I was in awe of the physical demand of this play on the actors. They must feel like they’ve just participated in a sprint triathlon at the end of each production, frankly I was tired for them. But it’s just this – the highly physical element and comedy of this play – that makes it the ideal show for younger kids especially. Afterall, this book particularly appeals to the youngest monkeys among us, and I love that Adventure Theatre MTC offers such a variety of productions throughout the year that even 2-and-3-year-olds can enjoy the thrill of going to the theatre and come away wanting to go again. Also very noteworthy – the costumes in this production. I loved the bright and cheerful colors of each monkey’s costume but I especially loved the monkey hair on the legs and heads of some of the monkeys – I couldn’t figure out how they made it but it’s fantastic.

5 Little Monkeys is on through June 3. Tickets are $18 each and can be purchased online or by calling 301-634-2270. I’d definitely encourage you all to soak in this play, especially if you have younger monkeys at home. It’s a fun and entertaining hour-long production.

Disclosure: Adventure Theatre MTC invited me and my guests to the final dress rehearsal but my opinions here are my own.

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Theater for kids

Imagination Stage’s Rapunzel: As much for moms as for kids

April 25, 2012

Baby snatcher or not...I loved the witch...and her costume. Photo Credit: Imagination Stage

Full disclosure: as a kid, Rapunzel was always my least favorite of the Disney’fied stories. I never really understood why Rapunzel was such a push over and just didn’t crawl down the tower, even if her mom was a witch. And then, of course, the fact that her mom wasn’t really her mom but a child kidnapper is bound to unsettle any child. So I chalked it up as a creepy tale and moved on. Then I became a mother to two young girls and frankly, locking them up in a high tower often strikes me as an appealing idea. As does having magical witch powers. On Sunday, we attended Imagination Stage’s production of Rapunzel and heading into it, I already knew I’d like the witch, but I was ill-prepared for how much I would like all the characters and their modern twist on the Grimm fairytale.

Directed by Kathryn Chase Bryer and performed by just a cast of four extremely talented actors, Imagination Stage’s Rapunzel is a spring musical you don’t want to miss. It is billed as a “musical fairy tale about letting your hair down,” and what you could easily overlook is that the show is just as much about Rapunzel letting her hair down as it is about parents letting their kids find their own freedom. The story line skillfully ignores the Witch as a kidnapper and instead portrays her as a flawed human being; a mother who actually means well and wants what’s best for her daughter, just makes a few too many controlling mistakes along the way.

We’ve all been there, I’m sure. And in this day of constant media attention around American mother’s apparent need for perfection and helicopter parenting, I found it refreshing and relaxing to sit through 90 minutes of an imperfect mother making mistakes (again, let’s conveniently ignore kidnapping) and her child pushing boundaries, for them both to discover the importance of letting go and respecting each other.

So why else did I love this production?

Umm..the costumes and of course, the actors. Imagination Stage always gets it right. The whole time I couldn’t help but wonder, do they have sales

The fabulous cast of Rapunzel. Photo Credit: Imagination Stage

because I’d be the first in line to purchase some of those costumes for future Halloween’s. Again, back to the witch, Gillian Shelly, who made her Imagination Stage debut. Her costume, particularly at the beginning, with the vegetable garden incorporated into her cape, was outstanding. I coveted her green wig and her striped stockings the entire time. And her sparkly magical black ring that gave her boundless power, of course.

#powerhungry

Jonathan Atkinson starred as Prince Brian and he rocked a Euro club look which was endlessly amusing, along with his wig. I loved that Rapunzel was not a white blond actress but instead was played by an African-American actress, Felicia Curry. The added touch of the flowers inserted into her ridiculously long braid was a great detail. And finally, last but certainly not least, was hilarious Simon, Prince Brian’s valet, played by Michael John Casey. He skillfully played several different parts throughout the show, including a grass-eating cow, but it was his smooth dance moves to charm the witch that really won me over. He was down right hilarious.

About the costumes, Director Kathryn Chase Bryer said, “There is a feeling that these tales are ancient and therefore timeless. When I began conversations with the designers about the world of Rapunzel, we all agreed that though the story takes place in ‘fairytaleland,’ this script has a modern feel to it and we wanted to capture the feeling. To that end, we have come up with some really extreme costume ideas that feel modern, even futuristic in some ways, and we juxtapose this high fashion style with a set reminiscent of a classical fairytale.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself……

Imagination Stage is marketing the play as appropriate for ages 4 and up, which of course I ignored and brought along my theatre-obsessed almost 3.5 year old. I now concede that they are right and there is no reason to bring anyone under the age of 4 to the play. With an intermission, it was easily 90 plus minutes long and the story line and lesson just aren’t suitable for the youngest among us. In short: it went over my 3-year-old’s head. The singing and the dancing were entertaining enough to keep her captivated for most of the first half but once intermission was over with, she was eager to go home. My six-year-old sat there mesmerized, enthralled and delighted the entire time. A few times I glanced over to just see her mouth gaping open a bit and sheer delight on her face, which really, is what taking our kids to these musicals is all about, right?

Ticket prices range from $10-$22 and the musical has now been extended until May 26. My advice: hurry up and purchase your tickets before it’s sold out. Purchase your tickets online or call 301-280-1660. Though I don’t review many activities, I am a theater hound and tend to review lots of plays, especially children’s theater in DC, so to keep up with more reviews and other fun, frolic and witchy ideas, “Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page.

Disclosure: Imagination Stage gifted the tickets to me but my opinions here are all my own. In short: we loved it!

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Theater for kids

Don’t miss Listen To Your Mother DC

April 24, 2012

On Sunday May 6 from 2-3:30pm – there is no where else you’d rather be than sitting in the audience of the Synetic Theater in Arlington – enjoying the fabulous debut of Listen To Your Mother DC. Trust moi!

So what is Listen To Your Mother?

It’s a live show featuring local authors. It was started 2 years ago by Ann Imig in Madison, WI and based on her success, she is debuting the show in 12 different cities nationwide. The show gives a microphone to Mothers Day. But it does more than that because it’s not just for mothers, it’s for parents, aunts, uncles, cousins – it’s for anyone who has loved a child.

I auditioned for the show in February and was so proud to be selected as one of the DC cast members. Last month, we all gathered together and heard each others pieces for the first and only time until May 6. I was blown away. I left that evening in awe of the talent in DC, the talent that you don’t hear or see in mainstream media every day but is still there. Each writer has a unique voice and a great story. Some will make you cry. A lot. I don’t even really love emotions and let me tell you, I couldn’t help myself. Some will make you laugh. A lot. Some will make you tear up and then laugh. It’s a great balance. It’s 90 minutes on a Sunday afternoon where you can just relax and let 1 local women entertain you – give yourself a break on Sunday afternoon – let yourself be entertained and enjoy yourself.

I hear we are on track to sell out the 400 person theater, so don’t waste any time and purchase your tickets pronto. And a final last pimping of it out, catch my interview today on the show’s site!

“Like” the Wired Momma page to keep up with shenanigans

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Motherhood, Uncategorized